Does it feel heavy to look at me?
I cannot tell how many times I have spent waiting for those eyes to look at where I am standing right now. How many times do I have to wish for the nights to stop so I can see you without two shadows behind because of how long you have been trying to lock her inside the core of your mind?
Did you see me through the mirror and think it was her all along? Did you dream of her at night and wake up thinking she was by your side? Holding my hands, hoping the nights won’t end and it was just you and her imaginary self you created to manipulate. You liked her in the morning, far longer than we first met and I realize that the love I have been giving will never be enough for you to grasp, not when she was your last.
You pulled me in to compete with the feelings you committed to hold forever, with the memories you would never dare to erase even if the world suddenly turns you blind. I don’t even know if I can win against someone whose head you have crowned with the word ‘forever’ because I fear so much of losing myself when you are not even there to find me. You said it felt heavy to look at me, even heavier to have me sleeping on the bed because you knew you would never hold the hands that weren’t hers.
After all, we know that all the love someone has is always reused. It is the love that I am always scared to question, the love that I know will never be easy for you to let go of just because you haven’t had enough. The night that fears me to death just because of how torturing it is to wake up and I am still not the one you look for. How long will your hands be cold as if they hide their warmth and store it for someone no one even knows will ever come back?
You might like her in the morning, much bigger than the dreams we promised to chase together, but darling, just like her, will it be as tormenting as it was for you if I am no longer around? Because the second you realize you love me, it will be the moment you wake up to lose me in the morning.
