(ENG) my tiny little bean chameleon
He is a light that I cannot hug
It feels like he is a seed that has grown up, and every time I see him getting bigger, it makes my heart so warm. So happy; it feels like I’ve cracked all the cages outside my body that torture me every day, even if it’s not real.
He came into my life unexpectedly, and my old self never thought I would know the cute little guy who brings so much sunshine with his smile. Is he the sun? Why is he so bright and warm, making me feel all these things? He makes me feel so secure and happy.
My old self never thought, “OMG, in the next three years, I’ll have someone to accompany me through all the waves that drive me crazier and almost make me drown.” That’s crazy! He’s just a random guy. In the past, he didn’t matter to me. I didn’t even know he existed — that was insane. Now he’s just inside my heart, even as the phase slowly departs.
It feels bittersweet, but that’s just life; sometimes things happen temporarily, not forever. But I still think he’s not just a phase; he’s going to be my little secret, popping up in my mind, reminding me that I had him in the past. It will be my favorite nostalgia.
Today, I tore up his picture hanging on my wall because he’s always been my secret, and I just didn’t want people to see him. The melancholy captures me on a whole other level; I feel so calm and sad — bitter, but I know it will happen.
I see the pattern; not gonna lie, I’m not totally blind. He comes, and he will go. He’s not someone who’s really there, so he will definitely vanish; he’s like an idol who will disappear when the time comes. So he’s just my character development; that’s just how it is.
But no, I will never let that happen. He’s not like my other obsessions that are now in the trash or forgotten. No, it won’t be like that; he will be different. He is different, and if not, I’ll make an exception just for him. Because no, I won’t accept it if he ends up like the others. I’ll hate myself if that happens, so no — I insist it will be different.
A few weeks ago, when I was scrolling through my gallery, I noticed that the quantity of his pictures is decreasing. The more I scroll, the less I see his smile. I’m noticing that he’s walking away, leaving me alone. The thought that someone might replace him is hard to swallow, but I’m very grateful he came into my life, even if only temporarily.
I can cry in my sleep just because he’s so important. He was there when I fought with my loved ones, there when something collapsed and made me bleed all over the place, there when I was so happy and on cloud nine, there when I was bored — he was there in every emotion.
He never hurt me; he never made me cry or disappointed me. He never did that because he’s just my fantasy, my beautiful escapism. He’s my blanket that hugs me when I need him. He’s just him…
He’s something indirect that magically changes everything in my life. He’s the light that no one knows about, just a human who saves others without even knowing it. He’s there, giving a positive impact even when he’s not aware. He’s just him, my beautiful tiny little bean chameleon.
Thank you for coming into my life. I will always pray for you. Don’t worry too much; you will be fine and happy. Life will surely be easier for you because you are just you — something so special and unique. You are one of a kind, so please believe that. From the bottom of my heart, thank you for transferring all that energy that makes me want to live. Thank you for reminding me that life is beautiful.
You will be my forever tiny little bean chameleon ❤
