Fiction
For two and a half decades, I’ve wandered and explored the intricacies of this world. Like a speck of dust, floating around, letting the wind sway me wherever it goes. This 20-something-year journey took me places — places I’ve called home, places that were once unfamiliar, places that seem surreal.
For two and a half decades, I’ve gone through many things. I have loved and lost. Triumphed and failed. Fell down and got back up thousands of times. Almost got lost a couple of times, but somehow managed to get back on track every time.
Every now and then, I take a look back at the trajectory of my life. How every decision I made led me to where I am now. How each person that came and went affected my life, even if it’s just a little. I look back and think about what could have been had things been just a little… different, than it really was.
Have I chosen the right path?
Have I loved the right people?
Growing up with religious relatives, I’ve been taught that God will not grant us things that are far beyond our capabilities. These are the words that I think about whenever I start to doubt myself.
I’d often imagine life as a long, hundred-chapter work of fiction, and I am just one of billions of characters inside. Which sparks another question: did the author of my life planned things as they turn out today? Or as they say, did God grant me things that I am unknowingly capable of?
Dreams, everyone has them. Children are always asked what they want to be when they grow up. Some would say they’d like to explore earth and space. Others would say they want to be world-famous singers. No matter how out-of-bounds they are, dreams are an integral part of a child’s life.
Growing up, I wasn’t sure what my dreams were, ranging from wanting to become a doctor to becoming a songwriter or a successful author. Until I grew up and discovered a deep love for studying human behavior, thus sparking the decision to major in Psychology.
Pursuing your passion isn’t always easy. The deeper I dived, the more I doubt my own capabilities as a psych student. Am I really meant for this? Was I ever ready to follow such a long, strenuous career path, that requires time, money, and skills far beyond my abilities?
Some nights, I found myself pondering on the what-ifs of life, wondering what could have been had I decided to not study psychology.
Would I have been able to study medicine and become a doctor?
Would I have thrived as an author, with millions of people adoring my work?
What if I had wanted to pursue those things, but the universe would not let me?
They say young love is the purest form of love. That’s why adults look back on their high school romances. I was lucky enough to be one of those who had experienced such things back in high school.
Between classes and nonstop exams and seemingly pointless assignments, I somehow managed to keep myself busy with other mundane matters. It wasn’t until months later that it dawned on me that I have long yearned the feeling of having butterflies in my stomach.
I couldn’t remember the last time I’ve loved someone in that way. For years, I’ve longed for the happily-ever-after endings present in fairytales, where the princess finally found her prince. No one’s ever had me, nor has anyone noticed my presence beyond simply knowing my name.
And yet, there I was, finding myself torn between wanting to accept the love I deserve, and waiting for love from the person whom, I know for a fact, did not love me back.
To be honest… meeting you was the biggest plot twist in my life, for as long as I can remember.
Now and then, I think about what possibilities would there be, had we not found love in each other.
What if I wanted him, but the universe says no?
What if he loved me, but somehow, somewhere along the lane, I found my way back to you?
What if, no matter who I pursue, life would always find its way to bring me back to your arms?
Would we always cross paths at the intersection?
If life were a series of timelines, would I have loved you in every universe?
Questions and questions about my life keep popping up. Reflections and memories of the people I talked to, who I befriended, who I loved dearly, and what would things be like for me had I not met them. There were many who — for a lack of better word — chose to part ways, simply because we were no longer in the same wavelength.
I’ve come to the realization that, every single aspect of my life, no matter how big or small, has and will affect my life trajectory going forward.
I’d like to think that everything that has happened in my life as chapters of a long, unfinished novel, that would eventually lead to one grand ending. That the path I have chosen is the path that God has granted for me, in other words I am capable of what I have accomplished so far, and I am capable of what is to come.
