Fii amanillah

I leave you in the care of Allah

They say there is no love until the sacred promise is uttered in His presence. So, the belief that what I feel for you is a beautiful part of love has disappeared. I don’t recognize my own heart. I’m scared of misinterpreting the feelings that often arise when I hear your name. I’m afraid I might be too much in placing emotions on a human being — whom I should be pursuing is the love of God.

I’m thankful to have found you, and I opt to nurture this feeling silently. Too much confusion reverberates in my head and that constantly making me doubt. I’m not adept at such matters. I find emotional games troublesome. Loving. Being loved. To be loved. To be in love. A tremendous blessing that sometimes culminates in bitter disappointment. And swallowing that disappointment whole, I’m not yet capable.

But I have no regrets when this feeling settles on you. I admire you. Perhaps I’m just one among a thousand who silently arises your name amidst the melancholy night. God knows what’s in my heart, knows more than I do. Yet again, I’m too cowardly to ask and force, because I’m determined to hold back so this feeling doesn’t surpass my love for Him.

I have never felt this beautiful when granted such a feeling. Often, I think I’m too undeserving to relish in the beauty of liking and desiring someone this deeply. Yet, I start to be lulled by the false hopes I create myself. I’m no longer sane when I think the world will halt if we don’t end up together.

And before that thought consumes me, I choose to release it all. I surrender this feeling the Turner of Hearts. I vow what I feel is genuine. But I don’t want to get lost in false fantasies that may end sweetly or bitterly — which might pierce me in the heart when it doesn’t unfold as I hope.

So when I entrust everything to God, I also accept this feeling if it remains unreciprocated. God knows what’s best for me, right? No ill prayers or wishes, I am just hoping you will always be under the care of the Most Merciful God.

If someday fate brings our paths to cross at the end of the road after a long journey, then I promise never to cease thanking God for hearing my prayers that continually knock on heaven’s door. But if not, I hope you anchor and find solace in a warm and comfortable home, one that you have always longed for, one that completes half of you and perfects all your imperfections.

And if fate doesn’t unite us, I believe I will heal on my own.