Have We Met Before?
Every time we meet, sitting in very close proximity, I can’t help but wonder, “Have we met before?". Your presence feels familiar, painful, and foreign, but familiar. It is like my mind just can’t decide whether I should love you or despise us.
I never dare to declare loudly that the ties connecting us start to feel less and less comfortable. At least in the past few years, where it began to be more and more difficult to find a common ground where we can meet peacefully. My heart holds on dearly to the nostalgic memories of joy we got to enjoy, the only evidence of the life puzzles we once arranged together, whispering weakly, “We still have hope.”
The first time I realised our talks had turned into power conflicts, that was the first time I cried over the reality that, in fact…I no longer know you. You no longer know me. Since then, our memories linger meaninglessly. Since then, I have learnt to accept that I can never be good enough to you. The way I look, the way I speak, the way I walk, the way I earn my money, the way I worship God, the way I... love you.
My mind can never be fluent in deciphering the message you sent through the words I barely understand, and I started to see how you’re also never good enough for me.
I keep fighting the urge to let go of the good times, the occasional sweetness, which would never nullify the damage and the harm we had caused.
I am too tired of being hopeful. I am so exhausted from pursuing your expectations that I no longer know what I expect from myself.
I’m sorry for being ungrateful; I’m sorry for asking for more; I’m sorry I’m not the one you expect me to be. I’m sorry for not acknowledging your hard work. I’m sorry that we crossed paths—an excruciating one.
I mostly live a sad life, so sad that I don’t even wish it to happen to my enemy. I genuinely hope nobody dismisses your pain the way you did mine. I genuinely hope a gentle life for you and everyone in your future. I genuinely hope you finally get to feel what being loved feels like, how compassion sounds like, and how kindness and courage look like.
I hope someday you no longer run away from healthy arguments. I hope one day you finally learn how to use your words wisely. I hope one day you find yourself. I’ve loved you for your potential, and I no longer do so. This time I’ll let you go. Yes, I let you go.
