How I’m overthinking everything I never said
I envy those who seem to effortlessly manage conversations, who speak with a clarity and conviction that I can only dream of.
It’s late at night when I write this, or rather, early in the morning. The world outside my window was wrapped in a quite darkness, disturbed only by the occasional passing car or the distant swish of the city. And yet, here I was, wide awake, struggling with thoughts that suddenly assaulted me as I tried to find peace in sleep. Tonight, like many nights before, I find myself reflecting on various conversations I’ve had throughout my life — or more hauntingly, the ones I’ve never had.
I’ve always been a listener. This is a role that comes naturally to me, perhaps too naturally. In the flow of conversations, I often find myself nodding and smiling at the right moments, but not always speaking up when I should. It’s not that I don’t have anything to say; the words form in my mind, but something holds them back. Maybe it’s fear, or maybe it’s the habit of overanalyzing every possible outcome.
There's a phrase that echoes in my mind on nights like this: "It's not what you say, but what you don't say that matters." It's a gripping reminder of the weight that silence carries. In those quiet moments, opportunities slide away like sand between my fingers. I replay the scenario in my mind, each time with a different script where I speak my mind, where I express my true feelings, where I affirm my beliefs with unwavering conviction.
I feel that regret is a heavy burden, and I carry mine like a cloak hanging over my shoulders. It is made up of missed opportunities and unspoken words, woven together with threads of doubt and uncertainty. I wondered, “How many friendships could have been deepened if only I had expressed my admiration or offered help when needed?” and “How many misunderstandings could have been avoided if only I had made my intentions clear instead of allowing assumptions to develop?”
To be honest, I envy those who seem to effortlessly manage conversations, who speak with a clarity and conviction that I can only dream of. They don’t question every word or replay the conversation in their minds like a broken record. For them, the conversation flows like a river, while for me, it is a maze where every turn poses a new dilemma.
In the age of instant messaging and social media, the pressure to respond quickly only magnified my anxiety. Messages were left unread as I agonized over the perfect answer, inventing and editing until words lost their meaning. I wondered if the recipient could sense my hesitation and if they too were reading between the lines of my carefully selected replies.
However, as I wrestle with my thoughts in the silence of the night, I think of trying to embrace vulnerability, to speak my truth, and to release the fears that hold me.
Because life is too short for unspoken words and missed opportunities.
And maybe, by freeing myself from the shackles of overthinking, I’ll find the voice that’s been waiting to be heard — the voice that speaks not out of fear but out of a desire to connect, be understood, and truly live.
