I don’t want to die, but I don’t want this life either
Waking up tired, going to bed tired, doing everything tired. Even breathing is tiring. Do you ever feel like that? Because I do.
I wake up every single morning, grateful, but also cursing the fact that I am still in this lifeless existence.
Stuck doing the same routine, not because I want to, but because I need to.
I have to sit for 9 hours in that boring, old-looking office.
Inside, a voice screams, “WHAT AM I DOING HERE REALLY?”
Yet on the outside, I just smile and say, “Well noted, sir. I’ll finish that report this evening.”
Going to bed, feeling so tired, but unable to sleep. My mind overworking so hard, spiraling, thinking about life.
Will I do this for the rest of my life? Stuck doing things I don’t even like? Just living in motion… am I wasting my youth?
I don’t want to die, but I don’t want this life either.
But still, there’s not much I can do.
I still wake up and see the same blue wall of my bedroom, still go to that boring office, still go to bed feeling tired and unable to sleep. Still overthinking and still wondering, wishing for another life I could live where I feel genuinely alive and happy.
I wish one day Peter Pan would show up at my window and say, “Come with me where you’ll never, never have to worry about grown-up things again.”
Oh, how I would gladly say yes.
Yet amidst all the monotony of this life and aggravating grown-up things, I try to say to myself over and over again that there is always beauty in this little life. Something to be grateful for, some light and hope.
Some days it is easy to see that, but on hard days I may need to search harder for that light and hope.
Hoping one day I wake up and say, “I don’t want to die, because I love this life so much.”
