I Wish No Man Would Find My Soul
I know this might come as a shock to my soul. She’s been with me through every high and low. For years, I let her become hardened, pushing away all the love that someone tried to give me genuinely. Perhaps, in the beginning, I didn’t fully understand how to be loved. I grew comfortable with my soul being alone throughout my life, still uncertain how to give love to anyone who tried to reach her. Someone who wanted to truly understand the way my soul speaks.
I ask myself, what makes me feel this way? Have I not received enough of the love I need? I keep wondering, even to this day. Sometimes, I try so hard to welcome people to know my soul. But other times, I just keep pushing them away before my soul becomes overwhelmed. What kind of feeling is this? I don’t understand.
There’s a long pause..
I don’t think it would be a problem not to get married, not to be a wife, not to be a mother. My soul still clings to the traumas I’ve been trying to heal for years. So many “what ifs” spin in my head.
What if I meet someone who isn’t truly right for me?
What if I (accidentally) pass my traumas to my spouse or children, as my parents did?
What if I become a mother who (unconsciously) says she didn’t want a child like her own?
What if I lose my voice, unable to express myself, to be seen as human, to have every emotion validated?
What if I maintain a marriage only for the sake of my child?
What if I choose to divorce? Will I be blamed, as I was before?
I can’t stop my mind from circling through all these “what ifs.” Maybe it’s a sign that I haven’t fully healed from my traumas. And yet, I’m immensely grateful for this awareness, so I can continue to heal the wounds that bind me in darkness. Before any man finds my soul. My healed soul.
Oh, I wish..
