I Wonder…
Some people were born to be special.
Some people were born to shine so brightly.
While I am here, blinding by the lights.
If planets revolved around the Sun, I am the orbit that surrounded the Earth. I will never be the one who stand at the stage and be the center of the attention. I am only going to be the one who watched the show from the front row seat. Close enough to reach it, but would never be given a chance to try.
So, sometimes I wonder, how does it feel to be chosen? To have people hovering over you? Having your needs prioritized and feelings justified? How some people could stand out in the middle of the crowds without trying? I could wear my best dress, put on make-up, groom myself, and still never be seen as something special or picked as the first choice.
Because I was born to be the safest choice.
The kind you make when you do not want to hurt anyone.
True, the lights did not scare me. But it burned me enough to know, I will never be that light no matter how hard I tried.
They said, “You should stop hiding yourself.”
How could I hide when there is nothing to show?
I am invisible you see.
My existence is equivalent to dust.
Because I am different and colorless.
Ordinary and boring even.
I do not fit in or belong.
Out of touch, out of place.
I do not belong anywhere in this universe.
Neither becoming the Sun nor the Earth.
Just an orbit. Revolving myself around the Earth, keeping it alive. But to what extent? What about my life? Don’t I get to live my life? Does not my feeling valid as well? I often wondered.
I have started to believe that perhaps my purpose in life is to simply exist. To be one of those people who sat near the window just to do people-watching. To be the one who stayed sitting in the corner of the room at a party. To be the one who reads book instead of conversing with the people next to them. To be as small as the atom. Even though the atom serves a bigger purpose than my own existence.
And for once, I hope people would look at me, truly look at me, and said, “I see you. I see you as who you really are.”
Do you? Do you truly see me or you just see the fragments of my own shadows?
I have broken myself in million pieces, but you would only see me as flickering lights.
I only shine so brightly when the Sun around.
Because then again, this house only revolves around the son.
Not the orbit nor the daughter.
Author’s Note: This piece was inspired by Olivia Pullman, one of the main characters in the movie and novel adaption “Wonder”.
