If you see me at the restaurant, tell me to get out of there.
The modern world, the sitting corner, and the in-between.
All my life, the only thing that I’ve been scared of since at school is the life of an adult. By earning myself a Bachelor’s degree, means a bigger responsibility will follow along the way. By graduating from college, I guess it’s time to live a life as an adult.
When I was a little bit younger, sometimes I was wondering about the life of a grown-ups. At the time, I was thinking about what it feels like to be a student in junior high school, senior high school, college, or to be a working people that work in sky buildings, or even a married couple. I almost half the way of those stages, but I’m afraid it leads me to nowhere.
Somewhere in one of the chambers in my mind, I found myself still yearning over a certain memory. A kind of memory that I would die to relive it once more and start all over. It looks like I live in an almost-twenty-three years old woman’s body, while my memories stopped at certain age and live a life where it’s a little younger than my body.
Sometimes I have this kind of battle going on within myself. The visual of it look like my present self is reaching out a hand to me to get back to the present, while my younger self keep drowning me in the pool of memories till I can’t breath. Strangely, the deeper I sink, the safer it feels.
When I reached the bottom of the pool, it started to get blurry till I passed out. The moment I open my eyes, I stand amidst the ongoing memories flashing before my eyes. It’s the same feeling you get when you’re sitting at the corner of restaurant and watch people passing by.
People were talking and eating their food, the waiter kept doing the same thing — went to the kitchen and delivered the order, also the sound of the endlessly swinging door. Meanwhile, I was sitting there and watching the same view for God knows how long. Perhaps — at least, that’s the closest analogy to how I feel when I relived my memories.
These occurrences lead me to one worst decision, I refuse to go back. All I wanna do is just watching the same view at the restaurant and reading the same menu all over again, while at the same time I was unaware of where the present world will lead me to. To be very honest — deep down inside, I feel the need to be mentally present.
The kind of visual I get of the modern world is people were rushing under the red lights, the doorbell kept ringing inevitably in every local coffee shops, and the busy streets has no working hour. That routine already happened for a thousand times, yet still I was stuck at the same place and time.
The only thing that scare me of the modern world, is that it has no ends. It keeps going on and on, like an endless library shelve in The Midnight Library by Matt Haig. If I let myself to flow with the stream of the world, where will it take me? Should I let myself being away with it? Or should I stop somewhere at certain point?
Once again, it leads me to force myself by standing at the in-between. By standing there, it eased me to go back and forth. In fact, I’m aware that I can’t be like this forever.
Some questions were circling around my head. Should I go back in time then fill my mind by watching the same view at the restaurant while in fact I already knew it can’t be undone? Or should I let myself to flow with the stream of the world by carrying a bunch of possibility as my guardian?
These questions kept lingering around me, although I know that those two are too rhetorical to have an answer.
