In Between Fallin’ In Love and Fallin’ Apart
Have you ever fallen in love with someone, but at the same time you’re falling apart?
It’s a bittersweet feeling when you meet someone who shows you so much love, attention, and affection, but also causes you some pain. At first, everything goes well. You love how he (or she) stares into your eyes, how gently he strokes your hair and back, how he wipes away your tears, how warm his hug, and the list goes on.
You do things that neither of you has ever done before. You create so many new core memories together — going to new restaurants, art exhibitions, music festivals, fine dining sessions, playing at park, or walking around the zoo. You try various classes, like painting, cooking, pottery making, etc. You also have an album full of photo strips that you both take every time you see a photo booth.
As time goes by, subtle signs begin to surface. Little disagreements turn into heated arguments, and apologies become a frequent occurrence, followed by promises to change. Yet, the patterns persist. You find yourself constantly questioning whether the moments of happiness are worth the pain that follows.
He started to vocalize without hearing your opinion. He started to make the same mistake over and over again, but you always accept his apologies. At some point, he started to gaslight you, making you second-guess yourself until you began to believe that you were the problem. He always makes excuses, and you give him another chance.
It feels like he is no longer into this relationship. It looks like he has loosened the attachment between you both. There are no more sparks here.
You keep choosing to stay because you still hope that someday he will change. You hope it was just a phase and the storm will disappear.
In moments of clarity, you realize that love shouldn’t hurt this much. You grapple with the conflicting emotions of love and self-preservation, struggling to untangle yourself from the web of mixed signals and emotional confusion.
Half of you believes that you can bring back his old self, so you both can return to the good old days, but the other side tells you that you can’t change someone if he doesn’t have the drive within himself.
The battle is going wild in your mind, whether you should stay or leave. You’re holding on behind the reason that this relationship has been going on for a long time. You count so much on how long you’ve been together and how many happy moments you’ve both been through.
At some point, you become suspicious that he still held back by his past. You realized that you can’t replace it, no matter how hard you try. Deep down in your heart, you feel that you are being compared to his past. Implicitly, you feel there are expectations that need to be met.
The weight of these unspoken expectations grows heavier. This relationship turns into a form of repetitive cycle of checking each other’s updates, saying ‘I love you’ without truly meaning it, and hanging out without excitement.
You realize that you’ve changed, molded yourself to fit into a relationship that constantly asks you to prove your worth. The sacrifices you’ve made, the parts of yourself you’ve hidden away to keep the peace, all seem to weigh you down. The love that once lifted you now feels like a burden, pulling you into a cycle of pain.
You see the same cycle repeating: hope, disappointment, temporary happiness, and then back to heartache. You start to question if this is what love is supposed to be, if love should demand such a high price of your peace. You know deep down that you deserve a love that sees you for who you are, not for how well you can fit into someone else’s past.
The decision to leave is not easy; it’s filled with tears and uncertainty. It’s a painful but necessary towards finding a love that truly reciprocates and respects your worth. Walking away is the hardest part, but with each step, you feel the weight lifting.
You start to rediscover parts of yourself that you had lost along the way. The journey to self-recovery is long, but with each passing day, you grow stronger. You learn to love yourself again, to trust in your own worth, and to believe that you deserve a love that doesn’t come with conditions or comparisons.
As you close this chapter of your life, you open yourself up to new possibilities. The future is uncertain, but it’s also full of hope. You know now that you have the strength to walk away from anything that doesn’t serve your happiness, and that’s a powerful realization. You’ve learned that sometimes, the bravest thing you can do is let go and move forward.
