it’s not you, it’s me (no, really it is)
Your hands are grabbing, while my hands are tied.
“Will you leave me after all the things we did?” you asked that question in the middle of the night. Four brown eyes were wide open after one or two bars of chocolate were eaten to ease the silence. I kept my mouth shut, my brain was frozen.
“Wait, what are we, really?”
“What do you see me as?”
“Do you have the same purpose in this relationship as I have?”
More questions by questions uttered from your mouth, following my uninterrupted silence. But still, it didn’t bother me enough to answer. I know my eyes were wide open, but my heart was tightly closed. Thus, I was lost in my mind, but you weren’t there.
After you spoke with your mouth and got no answers, you then spoke in silence, with your eyes. Trust me, I could understand the language you speak through your eyes gaze. I just want you to know it also broke my heart knowing I didn’t write the same page as you did. It broke my heart into pieces when I wanted to sail the same ship, but all I could offer was a shipwreck that couldn’t even take me to my own destination.
It tortured me knowing I’m not lost within you. I might never know how it feels to orbit something that doesn’t even give you a hint of light. But, you don’t know how devastating it is to pretend that I love you — waiting, just in case I can eventually love you, faithfully.
So this is me saying I’m sorry for I could not offer anything but uncertainty. Leaving you stranded, just like I was two years ago. I crave for your company and run from it. I try to give you love and hurt you instead. It’s not fair, I know. I have yet to learn how to love someone without drowning them, including you.
Part of me screamed “don’t leave me” and you heard it even though I never really screamed my heart out. But the moment you chose to stay, another part of me screamed asking you to leave me alone. I told you that this was never your fault, do you recall? Because, I meant what I said. You were enough, more than enough for me. You were all I ever asked for. And I’m sorry I’m difficult.
Dear you, please know that I’ve tried to fight myself for you. Please know that I’ve tried to stop time and space just to love you. And please know that I’ve tried to carry all of my burden invisibly, just so you wouldn’t leave me. But I am powerless after all. The paradox that I am, trying everything to make you stay but left you there alone.
In a perfect world, I’d kill to love you the loudest. But all I do is live to hurt you soundless.
In another life, would you recognize me and fall for me again? Because I wish, in another life, I can be someone who is easy to love, to give everything I took from you in this life. In another life, I wish you’d wait for my love and I’d lose within your captivating eyes.
If there’s another life, please wait for me. But in the mean time, in this life, I apologize that you wasted your time waiting for a shipwreck. I know you would never read this because you told me reading is not for you. Or maybe you would read one or two paragraphs, to know how I’ve been. Either way, the last thing I want you to know is that I’m sorry that I can’t love you how you want me to. It’s not you, it’s me (no, really it is).
I can’t hear you, you’re too far away
I can’t see you, the light is in my face
I can’t touch you, I wouldn’t if I could
I can’t love you how you want me to
Love, P.
