It’s Time To Healed
Since I was younger, I have known about the things called ‘lost’. No matter how tight I hold it, whenever the times up, it will leave me. It’s not only about nonliving things but the living though. The more I love it, the more I’ll get the pain when it’s time to here — with me — is up. Whether I’m ready or not, it will let go even if I’m not permitting them to go.
The first things that remind me that I’m a human is those feelings that I feel when I lose something. When I was in the final grade of junior high school, I lost someone — someone closest to me, someone who I’ve loved the most, and someone who always loves me however I am — my father. This is the first time I feel ‘lost’ in my perfect life. It’s ruined me.
At that moment, all I could do was lock myself in my room. I’m not crying. I’m not screaming. I’m just doing nothing while lying on my bed. All of the memories that we’ve been through suddenly come to my mind and it makes me feel lost somehow. But, until the end of the day, I’m not crying — even though deep down in my heart, there’s a new wound that hurts me bad.
A few times go, but I’m still here. I’m still stuck at the moment when my father was gone. But, as long as I hold back my tears, my sorrow turns like a storm. I cry a lot … and I can’t seek a help for everyone because I feel it’s too late. People feel this kind of situation when they were recently lost and they will heal after. But, why did I feel this kind of situation when everyone finally healed their self from painful moments?
It feels like I’m walking in the middle of a pitch-black forest all day long. It scares me so badly. But, I can’t do anything other than keep walking even though I can’t see clearly the pathway. I swear this is the most painful moment I’ve ever experienced in my life and I hate to realize that it won’t stop here.
Years have passed and I have met other ‘lost’ moments in life. I might feel it before, so I think I would be able to handle this kind of feeling. But, I was wrong. I found out that myself isn’t having a proper way to handle it for a long time. Even when the first ‘lost’ has gone for too long, I feel like I’m not going anywhere. I’m not healing as I should and now I have to face another. It is going insane and the only thing I’m still cling to is my fragile sanity. Does it feel like I’m a little bit careless of myself?
Increasingly, I began to feel that I was encountering ‘lost’ moments more often in my life. But, I’m still not learning from those kind of moments that happen in my life. I can’t heal as well although time has passed. Have you ever imagined how my condition during that situation? I’m totally messed.
People who say ‘time will heal’ is a liars. In fact, time does not heal anything. Even though a year has passed, I’m still here — stuck in the painful moments without knowing how to be healed by the time.
However, as I grew older, I realized something; time will heal if you ready to be healed. If you don’t have a readiness mentality in yourself, you won’t be able to be healed by it. From the first time, I realized that I was not going anywhere. I’m choosing to be stuck in here and being selfish to not let this feeling go as it should. That’s why I’m not healed by time.
I, who can’t express the sadness feelings as well, trapped without knowing the way out. The longer it goes on, the more intense the feeling of sadness becomes — and I don’t have any idea how to handling other than holding it again. It seems like I’m only waiting for them to explode one day.
Sometimes, letting go of something that binds you for a long time doesn’t mean you forget it. It means you accept that it happens in your life and you make it a part of you. The part of you that strengthens you to face other losses in the future
So, at the end of the day, all I have to do is learn to let go of it. It might be hurtful as well, but it is worth to be fighting for. It’s time to be healed from the past scars. It’s time to move on and live your life.
To all people who are still in the same state as me, believe me, letting go of it is the only thing to be healed. Let time heal you as it should. Move on. I know it’s harder than we expected, but when we finally move on, you will realize that it is a good thing and you’re relieved to let it go. No more past wounds that hurt you. You are free from the shackles that hurt you. Congratulation!
