Living abroad: Now that I’ve climb, I wanna go back home.
Perhaps some dreams are like climbing mountains. We don’t climb to stay long or to stay forever; we climb to enjoy the view before going down — going back home.
It was a kind of rainy weather in Bogor, December 2021. We were having breakfast when a colleague of mine asked,
“What’s your plan in Germany?”
I babbled and babbled and ended my sentence with, “I want to stay there for good.”
The moment I write this, I have just finished washing dishes at my 18 m² flat in Germany, where I have been living for one and a half year. It is now June 2024, and even though it is supposed to be summer with sunny, happy days, it still rains sometimes, even causing some regions to flood. The rain refuses to go, as if it knows what’s inside my heart; a heavy gray cloud fills the space.
I changed my mind. I don’t want to stay here for too long — not for ten years, let alone for good. To be honest, it feels so weird because I know living in Germany has been my long-held dream, and now that I am finally living it, I don’t find the spark anymore.
I like the fact that people are dynamic, and I hate the fact that people are dynamic. I like the thought that dreams change because we keep growing and learning, and I hate the thought that dreams change because it somehow feels irresponsible.
I recall the efforts to finally be in Germany; I’ve been learning German since high school, studied Germanistik for my Bachelor’s, and engaged in many German Department activities during my studies. I applied for many German scholarships even though I failed in the end, spent weekends watching YouTube videos explaining prepositions in Dativ and Akkusativ, and worked as a freelance German tutor to retain what I had learned, even while holding a full-time job in a completely different field.
In my bedroom, I had a world map on the wall with Germany marked in red. There was also a board with a German-activity-related memorabilia hanging beside the world map.
Though the efforts are written in only two paragraphs, the blood, sweat, tears, and of course the stomach acid were immeasurable. Then I said I changed my mind? That’s just… so not me.
Dear myself, what happened?
Since my stay in Germany, I have met a lot of cool people. One of them is someone who lived in the same flat as me, room 400x. She is a really good friend, and now that her program here ended, she moved to another town for a new program. She has strong grit and is very tenacious (if you live in Germany, you’ll face endless paperwork and complicated bureaucracy. Being tenacious is truly an A++ point).
But then, we had this conversation:
The translation
Me: (replied to her text that she doesn’t want to stay in Germany anymore) Before I came here, I thought of living here for good. We truly need to swim in the ocean before we realize that even though we only have a well, that well is actually what we need.
She: (replied to my text asking if she wanted to go home for good or else) “It turns out that what I want is simply the well. Wkwk (the laugh).
I remember our hike in early spring last year. We hiked 25,000 steps only to find a small well. We thought it would be something grand. Hence, the well analogy. :D
With her grit and efforts, knowing she chose to go back home surprised me. There are several reasons people choose to return home when pursuing something abroad. Some of the common ones are: (1) wanting to take care of their parents, (2) not enjoying the job or the life abroad due to cultural differences, and (3) achieving financial sufficiency.
Her answer was,
“I don’t have a problem at all with the new program. The school is great, the workplace is cool, the money is perfect — I can save a lot — and the kids are lovely. It’s just not where my heart belongs.”
The bravest thing someone can do, I think, is knowing when to quit, with the reason behind it not based on external factors. Fear of failure or societal expectations — these are external factors. Knowing her reason is driven by personal fulfillment rather than by the top three reasons makes me reconsider my life decisions.
So, back to the question — of all the blood, sweat, and tears (+ stomach acid, this needs to be highlight too. I remember being absent from campus for a week) — why do I want to quit my dream of living here?
What happened?
Well, life happened.
I am aware that living in Europe is a luxury, at least for me and my family. In order to earn money, I had to endure a job that demanded my availability 24/7 while also requiring me to be creative. I needed to take a freelance job to keep improve my German skills and to support my family. As I try to live here day by day, I have now come to the realization that living solely for luxury is not my goal.
I realize that my goal and all my efforts before were based on ideals and societal expectations. Whenever people asked, “What’s your major?” and I answered, the next question was always, “Oh, so after this you’re gonna go to Germany, right?”. My students also asked the same question. I could understand; it’s normal. But then it became ingrained in me that I was supposed to go to Germany.
All these ‘now I know’ moments wouldn’t have happened if I hadn’t come here. I think it’s quite similar to climbing a mountain. Before the journey, we need to prepare a lot — sometimes even sacrifice something —, bear all the burdens and keep going during the journey. Upon reaching the destination — the summit — we experience indescribable happiness. We enjoy the wind breeze, feel the clouds around us, mesmerized by the sunrise or sunset, capture memories with selfies and videos. And when we’re satisfied, when we’re content, we return. Go back home. There are no regrets for the burdens and sacrifices, nor regrets for not staying.
To finally be in Germany is the summit of my life, and now I am content enough that going back home wouldn’t be a bad idea.
Or I think, climbing another mountain? :)
Though the goal and the efforts back then were based on external factors, without pursuing them, I wouldn’t be where I am right now; aiming to pursue personal fulfillment.
The aim might be in Germany, but it could also be somewhere else.
I’ve hung a map of Germany on one wall of my bedroom, and on the other wall, a map of Indonesia. I’m also considering buying another country map, or even a world map. Let’s see.
I pray we can always prioritize contentment and what truly our hearts desire above all else. While sometimes we gotta do what we gotta do, may we find joy in the process.
May we never let the flicker of hope fade away; let it continue to glisten. And when the time comes — because we will know when it does — let that tiny, shiny thing guide us to a life of fulfillment.
