Maybe I Speak The Love You Can’t Understand
I step out of the train station, only to be greeted by the rainy weather in Surabaya. The city is known for its insufferable heat, yet today it was a bit colder than its usual self. The scent of earth soaked in raindrops, and the cloudy atmosphere surely made it more enjoyable that day. As I board the Gojek Driver, I have time to rest my mind for a bit.
I enjoy the scenery along the road and the cloudy sky up there. I suddenly recalled the situationship that I had in 2019–2021. It was a friendship at the start, but I ended up giving my heart to someone who is still holding onto someone else’s dearest affection. While I can’t deny the aftermath of this was quite tumultuous, there are a lot of memories that I cherish, and thus it remains a remembrance for life.
It was also after the disastrous event that happened to me in college, so I was practically semi-existing at that point, and my mental state was recuperating from that. Funnily enough, I was able to cope and hold myself to not harbor anything towards anyone for a whole year, but then in a blink, I found myself falling in love. All of my friends told me how I slowly went back to the person I used to be, and I smiled more than usual.
Healing takes time along with the feeling that blooms within me
But good times never last, there will be a time when we say goodbye. The story of us ends in 2021. The heartbreak is even worse for me, even though I am fully aware of how our story is going to end, just like how no tears form in my eyes, while my chest tightens for nearly three months as if trying to suffocate me. All in all, I couldn’t even use my usual method to numb myself, as it was too painful to ignore.
Back to the present, I was contemplating how our relationship worked back then, a love that made me devote myself fully to standing by their side. Even when I realize it will never be reciprocated, such an act of hurting oneself. It was selfish at its finest, as I kept holding onto a rope even when it bruised my hands slowly. I keep telling myself that this is how I present my love towards them, assuring that maybe on one sunny day, they will reciprocate my effort.
But of course, I never receive their heart with open arms. It was a losing battle from the start, and another lesson learned once again engraved on my mind. It was a breeze in the wind and the impromptu thought in the middle of red lights that suddenly gave me this thought:
“Maybe, relationships work like a two-way telephone between two people who speak the same language. Both require a certain amount of communication while at the same time, both parties are meant to understand each other”
In any relationship, I think communication is the main issue that should be mastered by people to make it work. But aside from that, they should’ve understood each other in a deeper extent. Both have to acknowledge how they can clearly express their emotion, worries, and thoughts, while in their mind they know clearly that what they express will be safe and acknowledged with care.
Furthermore, to make it even more flourish is the understanding of what kind of language they speak towards each other, regarding the “love” they “want” and “need”. You might give everything you had to fulfill what they “want”, but do you think that within the depth of their heart, you’re what they actually “need”?
My affection is something they tolerate, as I keep going without even allowing me to stop and contemplate whether I hurt myself or not. I think, at a certain point it was me against them, as we’re only bruising each other, I suppose. Maybe I was a persistent jerk who ended up acting like a pushover. Suffocating you, in a stream of emotion that I thought was love.
Or maybe, I’m just not someone you need, as my love is just a breeze of wind in your scalding desolation. As you yearn for a forlorn tales, something that you hold as your happy ending.
We’re in a one-way telephone where I speak too much, and you barely understand what I convey.
