My 2023 Academic Journey and Reflections: Failure, Stoic, and “Legowo” [ENG]
The year 2023 was not an easy journey for all of us. We were surrounded by tons of issues nationally and globally. We also overcame our own personal challenges throughout the year. Loss, rejection, and pressure, as well as simple pleasure, tears of joy, and peace. Same as the others’ journeys, mine was quite a rollercoaster too. Here, I want to wrap it all up with the sprinkle of lessons I tried to take from it.
Facing failure with stoicism
Masyaallah, tabarakallah. One of the parts of this year’s academic journey was competing in several competitions and scholarships. Alhamdulillah, I got the chance to hold a position as a winner in some of the competitions. A big thank you for my mentors, Kak Rizal and Kak Linta. Also, shout out to my dear partner, Adzra.
My family, friends, and Instagram mutuals may have seen it. However, not all people have captured the full journey. One of the unique stories was the competition in July-August. I was in Egypt for an exchange program, while at the same time, my partner and I were in an offline competition. To deal with time zone differences, we need to adjust our schedule and make extra effort to coordinate with each other. For instance, I came home after daily activity in the evening, while she made time before her classes at school in the morning. In the end, she was willing to attend the event by herself. Props to her! Thankfully, we also won in third place.
Left alone all the work behind the scenes, there are also other not-a-winner-yet moments. In my calculator, I had almost 50–50 wins and losses. Not just scientific paper or essay competitions, but also scholarships; I was thankful to receive the scholarship from AFS Intercultural Programs to Egypt, which is the story I mentioned earlier, but there was also a rejection from the BIM (Beasiswa Indonesia Maju) Persiapan scholarship.
My memory is crystal clear; it was 2 AM after preparing an event for the Student Council, while in the morning I had an offline competition event in Bandung. I received a notification from Gmail that the BIM Persiapan scholarship result was out. I even had my reaction recorded.
Maybe it was confusing to watch. Yes, I didn’t get the scholarship. And yes, I laughed a little and proceeded to sleep (since it was 2 AM) in peace. (Excuse my laughter, it didn’t mean I underestimate and take this unseriously. It was just a cherry on top of my long day in that day. Plus, this is a whole new topic if we want to discuss about it.)
The question is, how did I manage to be so calm? Well, I’m not an expert philosopher, but one day, I crossed into a YouTube video about this concept. It’s called stoicism. Wow. I realized it was the concept I have been applying in real life.
Citing from Massimo Pigliucci in TED Talks, there are two pillars of stoicism.
1. The cardinal virtues: Practical wisdom, courage, justice, and temperance.
Shortly, practical wisdom is the ability to navigate complex situations in a logical, informed, and calm manner. Courage is to face daily challenges with clarity and integrity. Justice is treating others with fairness even when they have done wrong. Temperance is the exercise of self-restraint and moderation in all aspects of life.
2. The dichotomy of control: some things are up to us, other things are not up to us.
The second pillar is what I want to highlight. It means that we need to center our focus on our effort and intention, instead of the outcome.
The calmness of facing failure is not practiced after we receive the result of rejection or loss but from the very first start. From the moment I got the information about the competition or scholarship, from the moment I did the work, and from the moment I submitted it. From those moments, I only focus on what is the best I can give through my effort and intention.
Besides, expectation needs to be managed as well. I personally set my target high in the sky to the point it seemed impossible to achieve, but my expectation for it to happen was very realistic that it is as low as rock bottom. I may like to fantasize about success, but I never actually think it will certainly come true; in my mind, what is certain is only my effort.
No wonder this concept is familiar; particularly this dichotomy is similar to the beliefs I hold on to. In my religion, there is a concept named ikhtiar and tawakal. Ikhtiar is the effort we give off to achieve our targets and fulfill our needs, while tawakal means letting God do the rest after we give our best effort and prayers.
Failure according to my dictionary
By the end of the year, I also realized: if those losses did not disappoint me, what would? Speaking in academic life as well, I have my own trigger for my disappointment. It is not about losing a competition or rejection from scholarships, but I figured out what is a bigger deal to me is when I feel that I am not maximizing my potential from the wins I got.
I sometimes ponder about the emptiness I feel after a success. I tend to reflect on my own, what, when, and where did I go wrong? I admit it can be a toxic loop in my head as I overthink further, but then I realized that I’ve always felt that I didn’t give my best out of the chance I received (although I did).
For instance, during my exchange month in Egypt, I was trying to be the best version of myself by actively participating in the program, making connections with every person I met, and taking up every piece of lessons there are available. In the end, did I still feel dissatisfied? I did. I may sounded like an ungrateful human being by that statement, but bear with me, the reason is not that the program or my surroundings were not good enough; it was me, whom I felt was not giving and taking the best out of it. That is until I found out about paying forward.
I was collectively inspired by a lot of famous quotes that getting the chance to be successful is to empower others to be so. It is about being useful and creating an impact. However simple and small the possession may seem, not everyone has the privilege to have it.
Last November, I decided to put this concept into action. I am 100% sure that the program I enrolled in last summer was beneficial for me and I want other students to experience at least the same as mine. I decided to be an extra hand for them to achieve this particular scholarship. I opened a short class consisting of online meetings and discussion through feedback for the application process of the AFS Global STEM Academies program, particularly the essay part. This somehow patches up the dissatisfaction I had.
Similarly, my partner and I joined several scientific paper competitions, as I mentioned earlier. With the mindset of paying forward, we initiated a Research Club at school. As peer mentors, we share our knowledge of scientific writings and presentations. Thankfully, three of our members had won competitions!
By writing this, I am fully aware that I am not a certified mentor, but I simply believe however small things I have, they will always be useful to share with others.
To sum up this point, our own mind has its own definition of what is perceived as failing. No definition is wrong, but what is your definition of failures? And do you think you like it that way or should it be redefined?
Let it be
We may focus on our effort and give our best upon it. No matter how stoic we try to be, it feels almost impossible not to have grudges about failures, whatever the definition according to our own dictionaries.
Contrary to the famous saying, I rather believe that our effort is not equal to the result. There are other factors affecting the result. Luckiness, privileges, and more. That is a random occurrence that only God knows and we can do nothing about it. However, I also believe that everything happens for a reason and we get what is best for us. It is harder to believe if we only see the surface. Any chance available, we can be lucky enough to see the other window of the room and perceiving a deeper meaning.
Those meanings are what help us to learn and get better in further chances. However, for the current result, sometimes, there is nothing we can do except accept how it is.
Then, while tawakal is a practice done before receiving the result, there is also another practice in my religion after we receive the result. That is ikhlas. Whatever your beliefs, do believe that it has been planned for what is for you and what is not. Instead of thinking of it as a failure, I rather think that it is not for me. If someone asks, “If this is not for me, then what is?” Truthfully, no one can answer. The only thing we can depend on is faith. It may sound cliche, but it is soothing (at least for me) to believe we will get what’s best for us although it may not be the best thing in our mind right now. Besides the term ikhlas, Indonesians also like to call it, “legowo”, “ya udah lah,” or “belum rezekinya.” In cooler terms, “let it be.”
In the end, sometimes, there may be little or none we can do to change a result. The only thing that can be done is learn from what happened, get better next time, and let it be.
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All of these lessons may be easy to say but hard to apply. However, we are a constantly growing individual, so why not keep these in mind and practice any chance we get?
Then, some people may think this is an insignificant and only school-related failure for someone who still has their life smooth and easy. Well, I say, it’s not wrong. However, may Allah let me be istiqamah (consistent) in having this mindset through all the failures I may will have for the rest of my life.
Many of you may have gone through different types and levels of challenges, so it would be very nice to have a chat about it! I am very open to discussion.
This oversimplified recap of my 2023 has come to an end. Thank you for reading it until the last word. Until next time!
