Not Worrying About Being Alone
I have a few close friends, you could say we’re a gang, a circle, or whatever you want to call it. There are four of us, that includes me. A few years ago we were all in a special relationship or dating. Among the four of us, my girlfriend and I are the record holders for the longest dating relationship at approximately four years. Two of my friends had only been dating for a year or two, and one had only been dating for a few months.
My relationship with my girlfriend was pretty smooth (it got rougher towards the end lol). The first year we were in the phase of getting to know and understand each other. Entering the second year our relationship went quite romantically filled with teenage school flirting at the time. then in the third year, the same year when we stepped on the final class in high school. There began to be differences in perspective and problems arose both from within our relationship and outside. I, who was just a teenager in general, was not yet able to control my emotions properly, and neither was my girlfriend. We often argued about insignificant things. Things that, if they were happening right now, would have been completely unnecessary to argue about. The fourth year was shrouded in more of a fog of infighting, the romantic stuff happening just to sweeten the pot. It felt like I was staying in the relationship just waiting for it to end.
Originally, I’ve always had a price that I’ll stick to forever. It’s that I’m in a relationship not to break it. I want the relationship to last forever. But unfortunately, forever doesn’t always mean a lifetime. Forever could be four years. Forever could be just two months. Forever could even be just one minute.
I want and can stay with one person. As long as that person also wants to survive and stay.
But in this story wasn’t, I wanted us to stay but she wanted to let go. She asked me to break up.
This is my version of the story, of course I’m the protagonist. I don’t think it’s wrong that there’s a quote that says “everyone is a bastard in someone else’s story”. Maybe she’s out there somewhere, telling her friends I’m the villain. Who knows.
We thought our communication had been very good, but it wasn’t. We were just FOMO kids who wanted to experience the romance that Dilan and Milea experienced. Our communication language was only romantic, not at all ready to be hit by the problems experienced by a serious relationship.
My mother used to say when I was 16,
“Love at your age is just puppy love. It’s not real. Love is not always beautiful. And you’re not ready to feel the not-beautiful part.”
Wow, what a words, Mum!
Our relationship ended in the fourth year. Not long after that, my two friends also broke up. It was complete solidarity, wasn’t it? Not really. They fought with their own relationship problems and ended up with the same ending as me. What about my other friend? I don’t think we need to discuss him, because even at the second this article is published, his relationship is still intimate. Maybe not for long. November at the most.
Since then, my two friends and I have never dated anyone again. Or rather, no one has.
I have to admit, after the breakup I became a person who easily fell in love. I didn’t have a minimum standard for someone to be my girlfriend or lover. I was close to four to five girls, and I fell for them easily. A crush that I wasn’t sure was a crush. See, that’s how lonely I was after a failed relationship. The funny thing is that I wasn’t alone. It turned out that my two friends also felt the same way.
Each of us was wondering what had caused this emotional crisis. I’m not sure I’d call it a ‘crisis of feelings’ but I think that’s the most appropriate diction. The three of us were blind to our own feelings. We couldn’t tell the difference between admiration, liking, love, pity, worry, excitement, interest, etc.
Until one of the three of us realised one reason: we couldn’t let go of the past. The heart is still haunted by the fear of disappointment and rejection, the mind is confused and wondering why it was abandoned, and shackled by trauma to make an effort.
It turns out that failing to move on has been limiting.
It turns out that the problem is with ourselves. It’s not the ex, nor the new person who rejects us. We who have not been able to accept the presence of our new selves.
From that point on, I started to think that I should be alone first (even though I’ve been alone for three years). I have to accept that disappointment and start to dare to feel a new disappointment. I had to learn to understand myself before later understanding each other with new person.
Gradually, I started to know my direction. I was able to control my feelings towards others. I can distinguish the emotions I feel. And when it comes to future relationships, I’m starting to get a feel for what kind of person is right for me.
At least I now understand that love is not always expressed with romance. Not all love is celebrated in an intimate way. Learning from the past, love needs to be grown from small things. The chemistry will happen over time as long as two people are on the same page.
Finding a mate doesn’t have to take such an effortful path that it’s time-consuming and exhausting. Approaching your crush doesn’t have to involve buying them things or trying to meet them every chance you get.
Although there’s nothing wrong with that either, it’s just that I don’t feel that way. How do I know it doesn’t work? Because I learnt from someone.
I found a new way to find compatibility without disturbing our respective priorities. We can be great together with no flirting. We still have fun chatting, even though we don’t see each other once a month in real life. I learnt from her how to respect decisions without feeling let down.
Do I feel that she’s a worthy match for me? For now, I’d say yes.
I like her with her logical thinking, her firm stand, her moral high ground. I like how she behaves, how she tells stories, how she is a great listener, how she is engrossed in her own world. Not much drama, not too many actions based on emotions or feelings.
Oh my God, this is what I’ve been looking for all this time!
One thing I didn’t let go of from the past is: I’m looking for a new person who is the opposite of my ex. I’m tired of dealing with humans with unstable emotions. I’m sick of the confusing drama that makes my head explode. I couldn’t afford a relationship with an intimate Dilan and Milea-style romance anymore.
Then came this attractive person with a height of about 5.4 ft. She gave me a new perspective on how love should be easy and simple. The question is, are she and I now close in a romantic way? No, we’re not. We are friends.
Going back to the sentence I wrote above, do I feel she is the one who is worthy for me? Yes.
But, do I feel that I am a perfect and worthy person for her? No, I don’t.
I once heard a podcast that told us that the way to know whether or not we’re ready for a relationship is to put ourselves in someone else’s shoes. Would we choose ourselves? If the answer is yes, then we are ready for a relationship.
And, would I choose me if I were someone else? I can assuredly say no.
I still need to be alone. Focus on myself. Doing what I love. Pursuing what I aspire to. Make the people around me happy. And there’s a lot more self-improvement that I need to prioritise over being in a relationship.
Besides, I really respect her stance and I don’t want to impose my will at all. On the romantic path, maybe not for now, but perhaps in the next four or five years.
So what if she ends up with someone else? It doesn’t matter. If she’s not my destiny, that’s it, what else can I do? It’s out of my control. That means I have to find someone else with the same character. I know it’s hard, but I’m sure I can be alone for a long time.
At least, I already know what I’m looking for. I already know what’s worthy of me. I didn’t lose myself. I haven’t lost my soul. No worry about being lonely.
