One of Many Fears in Adulthood
It’s been two months since I started my first job. Since then I’ve been spending a lot of time using public transportation, especially busways. The bus, which is never completely empty, always stops from one stop to the next to pick up and drop off passengers. And my eyes are always distracted from the streets of the capital every time an elderly woman gets into the bus.
My head would start the conversation with, “Why do they still have to take public transportation at such an advanced age, and even alone?” “Where are their other relatives or family, do they have other things to do?” “Then where are their children? Or maybe their husband? Or maybe she lives alone?” and other branches of the question.
I don’t mind how the elderly still take public transportation because not everyone has access to anywhere with a private vehicle. Only, how could they be allowed to go alone?
Until often one question arises which is actually the essence of all these questions, “Will I be in that old woman’s position in twenty to thirty years?”
I like being alone. I like it when circumstances don’t require me to keep listening to someone’s chatter or think about what else to say to not keep things quiet. But sometimes, I don’t like being alone either.
One month ago, I started living in a house provided by the office. There was a time when I was alone in the room because my roommate had not returned. There was fear when I just sat alone in the room, knowing that outside there was no one in my family. Even though the house contains many people, I will still feel lonely. It’s different if I’m in the same position but at my family’s house.
I am afraid that in the end, I will not find anyone like my mother found my father and vice versa, I am afraid that one by one my brother and sister will find their private life. I feared that the house, which for twenty years had always been filled with a crowd of six family members, would thin out and become completely deserted.
I don’t even know how to define this feeling. Haven’t found a way to fix it either. How about you, have you been through this phase? Or maybe you know better what to do?