Prisoner of My Mental Cage
People thought I didn’t quite fit in doing martial arts because I was soft-spoken and feminine, so I doubted myself and left the practice room. I vividly remember the discomfort I felt when my friend told me, “It feels strange to see you learning martial arts,” then continued saying, “the training is tough, it seems like you won’t be able to handle it.” I couldn’t shake the nagging feeling that I didn’t belong, coupled with my slower development compared to others.
The comment my dad made, which is a common sentiment among Asian parents, was about whether my GPA score was the highest I could achieve —I got quite high scores. This comment had a significant impact on me during my college years, leading to uncertainty about my abilities. Despite putting in tremendous effort and sacrificing many nights of sleep to excel academically, I still felt like I wasn’t good enough.
The pressure to conform to societal standards of beauty took a toll on my self-esteem, especially when my family made comments about my appearance. They would say, “Why do you look like that?” prompting thoughts that I’m not pretty enough. The pressure to maintain flawless skin became a constant source of anxiety. I didn’t realize it at the time, but those comments were sowing the seeds of self-doubt that would grow and influence my body image for years to come.
Some people questioned if I was okay, citing my slender figure and pale appearance, causing my forehead to furrow in confusion. In reality, I knew I’m okay. Yet, I couldn’t help but wonder, what does “okay” look like? What should I do to make people assume I’m okay? Their remarks made me question myself even more.
On another occasion, some people treated me like I was made of delicate glass, never letting me do anything physically demanding. Worse still, I felt as if some friends walked on eggshells around me during trips, fearing I might get tired or sick due to my condition. However, I’m not that weak. I’m capable of going on exciting adventures! I’m pretty healthy.
I was constantly surrounded by people’s opinions about my life, as isn’t that the case for all of us? Their assumptions affected me, making me believe their perceptions were reality. I built walls based on what people thought was right, residing in an illusory comfort zone.
While I recognize that some people express their opinions out of care and love, sometimes these assumptions stem from baseless truths that transform into falsehoods. The repetition of these lies can make them appear as truths over time.
Unfortunately, I internalized these perceptions and limited myself from exploring potentials that others believed didn’t align with who I am. It wasn’t until a candid conversation with a close friend that I began to question the validity of these self-imposed limitations.
He asked, “What do you think about it? Do you want to try it? Go ahead. The most important thing is what you are thinking.”
Those words made me reflect, each carrying it’s weight of remorse. As Niki’s song played, “In the end, we only regret the chances we didn’t take”, followed by Taylor’s, “They told me all of my cages were mental. So I got wasted like all my potential”, I realized I had confined myself to mental cages, formed from the people’s words I took to heart.
Looking back, I can’t help but dwell on the opportunities I let slip through my fingers due to fear and self-doubt. Countless times, I hesitated to pursue my passions or take risks, paralyzed by the fear of failure or rejection.
As a result, I watched helplessly as my dreams faded into the background, overshadowed by the relentless tide of societal expectations. With each missed opportunity, I felt a pang of regret, mourning the chances I didn’t take and the potential left unfulfilled.
I had blurred the lines between truth and perception, mistaking them all for reality. I found myself struggling to distinguish between the voice of my own intuition and the noise of external opinions, between genuine constructive criticism and mere noise.
Now, I take a step back from the assumptions people make about me. Despite the setbacks and challenges I’ve faced, I refuse to let fear and people’s opinions dictate the course of my life. I decide to break the mental cage. Others opinions lose their significance because they aren’t walking in my shoes.
In recent years, I’ve taken decisive steps to break free from the confines of my comfort zone and embarked on pursuing my passions. This journey has involved starting my own business, taking on freelance projects, and investing in personal growth.
Little reminder: Don’t let societal expectations influence your perception of yourself. People’s opinions are an endless and impossible task to fulfill. They tend to crave more and never feel satisfied. Define your own self and don’t let others make you doubt yourself.”
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