The Art of Missing Someone That Isn’t Yours
I’ve heard my friend tell me that she misses someone in every single step that she’s taking; she misses him when she’s walking around the street they’ve been strolling, she misses him when she opens the phone and looks up to the notification pop up, she misses him when she’s talking to me and realizes that I said the same thing as her ex. She misses him at every chance. I have told her that she’s a little bit too much. But, actually, she knows what she’s been doing all the time, missing someone who will never come back — and she has decided to still do that.
I was so naive at that point. I didn’t get why people choose to miss someone until seem like desperate people all the time. Isn’t it only waste of their time? If it doesn’t give them proper feedback, then why did they do that? A million questions swirling around my head about them.
“You won’t know it until you feel it,” she said.
A few times later, it turned out, I felt it. I missing someone. But, it seems different between me and my friend. If they miss their exes, I just miss someone who was only here for a moment without being mine. There’s nothing hurtful moments other than missing someone whom you’ve never been together with. The crush that might be doesn’t miss me the same way as me. I was full of shame when I said I missed him suddenly — in the middle of the stressing phase of a third-year undergraduate student.
“Now, you felt it. It seems funny knowing you are that depressed just because missing someone. Someone that is not even yours. The stranger that builds an instant castle in your heart without even knowing it.”
Now, I think I have an answer to my previous question. Missing someone is like walking on the top of a tightrope. Who’s the normal human that can walk over there? There’s none unless you are the professional who trains to walk there. That’s why it feels frustrating.
Me, with an awareness flowing through my blood, knowing that it’ll be wasting my time but all I can do is only sit there without any effort to meet him. I’m not as brave as I look. Rather than telling him that I missed him, I chose to keep it for myself and waste my time doing nothing.
In my case, how can I ask him to meet me when we barely don’t have a particular relationship? Isn’t that so embarrassing? Is he will leave me because I’m a pretty freak girl that surprisingly loves him?
Little did I know, deep down there, over my heart, it felt like this feeling shouldn’t be here. This feeling isn’t valid enough because why did I miss someone that aren’t mine? But, otherwise, I can’t stop it from being here. Even if it is a hurtful moment, I still enjoy every breath that I take for missing you. It is a confession, that I hope everyone wouldn’t know.
But, I’m just a human. Loving and missing are pure feelings that we or everyone outside there can feel every single day. Maybe, I’m just too much. I can’t walk on the tightrope and end up blaming myself for feeling that way because this feeling turns bitter over time.
JK Khairen once said in ‘Dompet Ayah, Sepatu Ibu’,
“Missing is not to be spoken, but felt in the heart, carried out with the feet.”
I found out that it was right. But, at the end of the day, I can’t let my feet carry me out to meet him. The only things left are felt in the heart. I choose this way by myself. So, I will reluctantly enjoy all the pieces of miss in my heart even though it will continue to be like that because the meeting is never made. I’m not gonna let it happen though.
Maybe, at this moment, all I can do is watch you from afar or only look at your photos that were sent by my friends. I’m not ready to lose you if I tell you how much I wanna meet you because I miss you. That’s why I choose this way.
