Trigger warning: trauma, mention of abuse, and self-harm. Please read this article in its entirety. It contains important information and perspectives that are best understood within the full context provided.
For the past few years, I’ve been carrying a knife everywhere I go, just to feel safe. Not knowing that the knife I held was reversed, and unconsciously, all this time, I’ve been hurting myself. I’ve been wondering, why am I still getting hurt while the person who hurt me walks away as if nothing had happened? He wasn’t under any harm. It turns out it was because I was hurting myself.
I wish I could to tear my skin off if that’s what it takes to erase the mark left by forceful fingerprints, a mark that turned into a red, aching bruise. The trauma haunts me, leaving a permanent scar on my existence, and the slightest memory makes me shiver with terror.
I thought I was protecting myself when the truth is, my decisions just helped the perpetrator get away. While here I am, still holding on to the knife and getting hurt. Each time I remember that painful moment, each time my body and skin remember that night, the knife cut and it feels as if there’s a fire burning within me, mapping out every detail of that night. I’ve been in pieces since then.
The Illusion of Safety
Carrying the knife gives me a sense of safety. I believe it will protect me from the shadows that haunt me like a nightmare that crawling and refusing to leave no matter how I plead. But in reality, it only perpetuates the fear. Every time I grip it, I am reminded of that night, the helplessness, and the terror.
I thought I could control my fear by being armed, but I didn’t realize that my real enemy was within me. The knife only hurt me even more. It’s a vicious cycle where the very thing I think is my protection is what keeps me chained to my past.
The Weight of Memory
Memory is a cruel master. It drags me back to the darkest moments, replaying the terror over and over. Each trigger is a knife wound, fresh and bleeding. My skin remembers the night, my mind replays it, and my heart feels it as if it happened just yesterday. The memory is throwing ash over my mind and soul.
I try to piece myself together, but the fragments are sharp and they cut deep. Every time I'm triggered, it feels like no matter how I move, I'm cut by a knife, each slice adding a burden that grows heavier with each passing day. The more I try to escape, the tighter the chains of memory bind me. It’s as if the trauma has woven itself, string into my skin, making it impossible to separate my past from my present.
I’ve often wondered: if I stop feeling terrified and forget, does that mean it never happened? What if people say that I’m crazy? What if no one believes me once the wound heals? What if the scar left behind becomes a label that pushes me to the bottom of the list, like something unwanted? What if no one will love me? but, then, what will happen if I finally put the knife down? Will I be able to live?
The Silent Scream
There are days when I want to scream, to release the pent-up pain and fear, but my voice is trapped. It’s a silent scream that echoes inside me, a cry for help that never reaches the outside world.
I feel isolated, even in a crowd, because no one else can hear my silent plea. The knife I hold is my only companion, a friend to my suffering. There are days where I lock myself in my room, hiding in the closet, holding the knife.
In my mind, I replay the scenes, the faces, the sounds of that night. It’s a nightmare that keeps me awake. The more I try to silence it, the louder it becomes. The knife digs deeper, like a curse, tattooing the same painful patterns that spell a victim.
The Path to Healing
I know I need to let go of the knife, to stop the self-inflicted wounds, but it’s easier said than done. The fear of being unarmed, of facing my trauma without my perceived protection, is overwhelming. But, I also realize that healing won’t come from holding on to what hurts me. It will come from learning to love myself again, to find strength within myself rather than in a mere weapon.
Living with trauma is like walking through life with a reversed knife. It promises protection but delivers pain. The journey to healing is long and fraught with challenges, it has cost me a lot of tears and whispered prayers, it’s so hard. There’s so many time I thought about giving up, but it’s a path I have to take for myself.
I know that letting go of the knife is the first step toward freeing myself from the cycle of self-harm and embracing the possibility of a life without the constant shadow of fear.
I believe, I am not defined by what happened to me, nor by the scars I carry. I am defined by my resilience, my will to heal, and my courage to face my fears. I will put down the knife, piece myself together, and find a way to move forward. Because I am worth it and I deserve to live free from the haunting memories that have held me captive for so long.
Reach Out for Help
Remember, healing is possible and you are worthy of a life free from the shadows of your past. You are loved. You are worthy. You’ll be okay. It will be okay. It’s not going to be easy, but it will pass, you’ll be okay. You are so much more than the person who holds the knife.
Put down the knife for a while, not to forget or forgive anyone, but to love yourself. I know you are strong. Despite being hurt multiple times, you have survived. You are still alive. You are amazing. You have escaped that experience and that person. Once you can turn the knife away from yourself, you will become much stronger and be able to protect yourself.
If you find yourself in a similar situation. I encourage you to seek help. Please talk to someone you trust, reach out to a mental health professional, or join a support group. You deserved to be able to live your life to the fullest. You deserve to be loved and move on. You’ve done remarkably well by staying strong and hanging tough. I pray for the pain eases soon.
Suicide Hotlines and Protective Services by Country
International
- International Association for Suicide Prevention (IASP): Provides a comprehensive list of crisis centers around the world. Visit their website at www.iasp.info/resources/Crisis_Centres/
Philippines
- Hopeline Philippines: 2919 (for Globe and TM) or 02–804–4673
Singapore
- Samaritans of Singapore (SOS): 1800–221–4444
Indonesia
- Women’s Empowerment and Child Protection Hotline: 129
- Komnas Perempuan: +62 21 390 3963
Malaysia
- Befrienders Malaysia: 03–7627 2929 or email sam@befrienders.org.my
- Mental Health Helpline: 1–800–22–2323
Thailand
- Samaritans of Thailand: (02) 713–6793 or (02) 713–6791 (Thai)
- Mental Health Crisis Assessment and Treatment Team (MCATT): 1323
United States
- National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1–800–799-SAFE (7233)
- RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network): 1–800–656-HOPE (4673)
Canada
- Canadian Resource Centre for Victims of Crime: 1–877–232–2610
- ShelterSafe: Find shelters at www.sheltersafe.ca
United Kingdom
- National Domestic Abuse Helpline: 0808 2000 247
- Victim Support: 08 08 16 89 111
Australia
- 1800RESPECT (National Sexual Assault, Domestic Family Violence Counselling Service): 1800 737 732
- Safe Steps Family Violence Response Centre: 1800 015 188
India
- Women Helpline: 1091
- Childline India Foundation: 1098
Germany
- Hilfetelefon “Gewalt gegen Frauen” (Violence against Women Helpline): 08000 116 016
- Weisser Ring (Support for Crime Victims): 116 006
- Telefonseelsorge: 0800 111 0 111 or 0800 111 0 222
- Nummer gegen Kummer (Youth helpline): 116 111
South Africa
- Childline South Africa: 0800 055 555
- GBV Command Centre: 0800 428 428
- SADAG (South African Depression and Anxiety Group): 0800 567 567 or SMS 31393
Japan
- Tokyo Metropolitan Women’s Consultation Center: 03–5261–3110
- Childline Japan: 0120–99–7777
Brazil
- Disque Denúncia: 181
- Women’s Assistance Service: 180
South Korea
- Korean Women’s Hotline: 1366
New Zealand
- Women’s Refuge: 0800 733 843
- Safe to Talk — Sexual Harm Helpline: 0800 044 334 or text 4334
France
- Violences Femmes Info: 3919
- Enfance en Danger: 119
