the mountain of troubles
(that I still struggling for)
It’s been a while since I talked about myself. I write poems, for sure. But it is always about others.
others that I never know.
These past months, I used to think that my life was fine. That there were no things I shouldn’t worry about. Despite everything that is still less, I still have so much I should be grateful for.
With those thoughts, I didn’t realize I had already kept this uneasy feeling that I struggled to express. I even can’t remember the last time I cried.
Some nights, my mind liked to play by reminding me of some shitty memories that scattered me into pieces. Memories that shaped me into the person I am now.
I don’t have any gut to tell about that to my closest ones. I think I have too many considerations which led me to a simple conclusion. Maybe those shitty experiences might happen because I was dumb.
Those things happened because I didn’t have any courage to speak for myself. You can say, everything was my fault.
For my whole life, I try to be the nicest individual. I was willing to give everything I could to the person I thought was worth it, even if I wasn’t close with them.
Since childhood, I was taught that people will treat you nicely if you do the same. But adulthood is a torturing jungle that you can't predict which one you will get.
You can’t rely on everything to everyone. The only one you have is YOU.
But to come to that thought, I can’t count how much pain I have to endure. Even some of them remain in me.
Still, even if I tried so hard to cry, it didn’t happen. Perhaps, those memories were too hurtful that my tears refused to stream.
My best guess, for all these past years, my heart kind of hardened itself. At some point, it turns into stone which can be a reason why I can’t express my feelings.
That’s why I tried to “distract” myself to feel that by reading or writing. Just to make me feel like I still have more reason to live on.
To show myself, that despite everything, I can stand still and live my life as it should.
wake up, work, sleep
wake up, work, sleep
wake up, work, sleep
Those repetitions, which make most people boring, but somehow can keep me going.
I can’t deny that at some point I have thought to speed up my life span than it should be. But, I realize that I can’t even face that.
These mountains of troubles. What should I do? At the time I write this, I am still on my search to find some enlightenment.
