The Years of Questions
of untalked feelings behind solitude, loss, and possibilities
I once read that life is a series of necessary losses
And it has always been, isn’t it?
Life unapologetically leads us to let go of certain things in order to make new room for others in our life
It’s like an unwritten transaction, between us and our surroundings
we detach our previous relationship to build a new one, leave our high school friends to pursue our dream in college, have less time with our family as we won’t see each other so often
and so it is true, every phase has its own person, and every person has their own phase
In the end, it is all about letting go and letting in, giving, and if life is being kind enough, and it will be, receiving
It’s too early for a rainy season this time around, I am no longer 19, college is soon to be over, and everyone has moved back to their home
it’s kind of heartbreaking to see all the people we used to spend our everyday lives with are growing apart, living apart, and for some, tear us apart.
sometimes, I absent-mindedly think that I will become numb sometime soon.
For that I won’t be able to feel as happy as the way I used to
For the fact that there will be days where this memory is going to be filled with nothing but spaces of emptiness
For all I know there will be days when my loved ones will all go,
and so am I
and for someone who likes solitude, for once, I didn’t expect I would yearn for crowd
Plenty rooms of solitude have given me a lot of time to think, to questions, and worse, to doubts
about the life I want, about the life I should live, and how I should start living it
so many questions, as well as so many feelings, yearns to get the answers
some days this pair of feet were stomping as if refusing to take a step because the eyes were unable to see what lay ahead
always the agon between the mind and the heart
no clue which is worse
not letting the mind to think as I am afraid of how it might consume me
or allowing the thoughts that end up getting me nowhere
When the curtains are down, I ought to think about how mundane life will be
getting eloquent in every buried dream caused by the fear of the unseen
for that, I know life is not going to be all exciting
starting to think that dealing with the mundane is a necessary thing
for the fact that some parts of life are going to be disappointing
tell me, readers, was it wrong to think of life this way?
In some parts, maybe it is, but on the other side I also believe that
“There are always flowers for those who want to see them”
when we look through life and all the things that have come passed us, there is a sense of meaning in there. They were always full of wonders, surprises, things to be grateful for, and things that make us happy to be where we are.
Although not always, but there are, and there will be
Maybe going through the mundane is not the most pleasant feeling to be felt, nor is figuring out what works for us, losing one thing and another. But in between those process, I believe something good is created along the way. Something that will lead us to the dream we wish to live, if, we choose to mean it wisely.
And so, after all, nothing is a waste of time if we keep on trying.
And that is the choice I need to make for myself, whether I want to see those flowers or mindlessly ignore them.
I think a lot of the time, we are made confused by our mind. Getting too drowned in looking for the most perfect fit to create the reality we dream of having. Whether it’s a job, a partner, or most talked these days, our passion.
We are too focused on reaching our goals we tend to forget what it takes to meet them halfway. Patience, compassion, thoughtfulness
the paradox of humans.
As humans, ever be so afraid we forget to notice those flowers, to look around
Not wanting to sacrifice that much afraid of it being too much
Ever be so afraid of heartbreaks we forget how to love
Ever be so in a rush in time we leave the patience we need
Truth to be told, I’m terrified of change and yet I’m terrified of staying in the same place for longer than I should. But one thing that I know is that we are always able to choose for ourselves.
The happy days aren’t yet over. So, here is to the years of questions. The years of figuring things out, the years of failing and trying, the years of sharing, the years of acknowledging, of finding.
Of finding and embracing the smallest possibilities life offers. Of finding meaning and building patience along the way, and if that is all it takes to assemble the life I want to live, then let it be.
Because someday, I want to be able to go places, to see and to feel everything to the fullest, to tell stories, wonderful ones, to be a great listener give out advice when needed, becoming as earnest as I get older.
Until one day it occurred to me that memories are a wonderful thing if you don’t have to deal with the past, as it is not only the memory that keeps us alive, it is the next possible thing life can bring.
and that is the time when I will look back and say to myself
“that is my life, and I’m truly living it”
And I’m wishing the same for everyone out there
to live a life, that is truly lived.
