Then, Suddenly, Everything Felt Like Nothing
And I’m closing that door again—the reality of facing everything. Because I want to be numb, I want to feel nothing. To forget everything. To be alone—yet loneliness kills me.
Hearing the water slowly dripping into the sink, the clock ticking nonstop, and the TV playing some movie I can't hear, I lay on the couch, staring at the ceiling, trying to figure out what I should feel at this moment.
When I turned my gaze to the TV, the cast was already crying. Their faces contorted in inevitable pain, reflecting the depth of their characters' suffering. I felt like her, but why can't I relate to her?
I let out a long sigh and started to slowly enter my subconscious. The thing that no one can ever be able to enter my comfort zone.
But when you gradually discover that you’re separating yourself once more, it feels incredibly lonely.
Isolating to the point where you don't know what emotion to feel or how emotion works in your body system, it's as if you're already numb. Feeling nothing. You feel sad in the back of your mind, yet your body says the other way around.
It's like floating water slowly trying to get to the shore, but you're not doing anything to get there—you just float and let the water lead you wherever it wants.
I want to hang out with my friends; I want to make myself happy, yet it feels like I'm back to being like a kid.
I don’t know what emotion to show; I don’t know how to feel it. I just felt nothing.
To the point where I need to shut my doors and face the reality of being alone.
Suddenly, I opened my eyes. I'm back to reality. When I look around me, I'm alone. And I realize that living alone is something that scares me.
It scares me to the point where I feel nothing.
And I'm closing that door again—the reality of facing everything.
Because I want to be numb, I want to feel nothing. To forget everything. To be alone—yet loneliness kills me.
Tears are forming on the sides of my eyes, but I don't even know why I'm crying. I can't think of anything at all. I feel like this is an ongoing cycle. Waking up and doing nothing. Feeling nothing.
And it’s hard to face reality when you feel nothing. Because you can’t feel empathy, happiness, love, or any other emotion. You just feel nothing at all.
Questioning yourself: Why? Why can't I be happy and content? And the answer to your questions is to ask yourself again. What did I do to make myself feel like this?
I think what we feel is always our mind, which tells us what to feel. And we just accept them instead of facing them.
It's our inner demons that we let them take our conscious minds to force ourselves to be numb because of the sorrow that we're feeling.
I woke up from my deep slumber. I can hear everything again. I can hear the water dropping in the sink, the clock ticking nonstop, and the TV playing some movie that I can finally hear. And when I turned my gaze to the movie, I saw myself finally crying and swallowing the pain that I had hidden behind my brain.
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