Things I’m Ashamed to Admit at the Age of 24
Recently I’ve been seeing a new trend on TikTok where everyone is saying that social media is not real and start mentioning the things they’re silently struggling with behind the scenes. I don’t have a lot of courage yet to be that vulnerable on TikTok so I guess writing about it is always the choice I run to.
So, here are four things I am ashamed to admit at the age of 24:
- No full-time job yet
Even though I went through multiple experiences as a freelancer and even an internship, sometimes I still feel ashamed to say to my friend that I don’t have a full-time job yet and that looking for a job in this era is hard every time everyone else starts talking about their work stuff. This doesn’t happen often but in some moments when my insecurity level is skyrocketing, it does make me feel worse.
Previously I worked as a Freelance Writer in a Media Health company, and the contract just ended a few days ago. Now, I’m even way too ashamed to answer if my friends or family members are asking “What do you do these days?” because I don’t want to answer the same question with the same answer, “Still finding a full-time job.”
- I want someone else to listen to me attentively just like I did to them
I feel like I was born to be a listener. Some people even say that I am a good listener. I enjoy listening to other people too. I know this is a bare minimum of something someone should do, but yes, I also want to talk to someone about my problems without them turning the whole conversation into theirs.
In my head every time I want to say something I am struggling with, I feel like at the end of the conversation it’s me again who is mostly listening to other people and they just forget everything I told them. So, I just stopped myself from talking. Or maybe this is just my thoughts (Now I feel bad writing about this because it sounds as if I don’t want to listen to someone else anymore).
- Not good at socializing
I hate to admit that I am not so good at socializing because I am way too scared of how other people perceive me. At this age, I am becoming lonelier because somehow I forgot how to make new friends and become close to them. Many questions cross my mind often, one of them being “How do I make friends at work if I finally get a job?”.
It’s as if I lost connection to other people and even myself.
- I wish someone would film me like I do them
I thought about writing this MANY times before I decided to say screw it I don’t care and write it. No matter how many times I change the wording for this one somehow it sounds shameless, selfish, and demanding. And I hate to be that person.
I guess it came out naturally to me whenever I pull out my camera to film everything and edit it so I can look back on it when I’m older, or maybe see my Mom who always filmed everything ever since I was a kid made me who I am today; someone who loves to film everyone for memories. But honestly, deep down I always think about it. I think about how I want to be the person being filmed instead of the one who is filming or taking the initiative to do it (Don’t get me wrong, I love doing it so much and I won’t stop doing it).
One time I even thought about what if nobody had a trace of me left if I suddenly passed away? No one has memories of me in the form of video and everyone will slowly forget about my voice?
I know the last one sounds dramatic, so just forget that.
This was honestly so hard to write because I am being vulnerable about the things I rarely or even never talk about. But now that I have written it down, I guess I am not ashamed of it anymore and trying to accept that this is what I have felt all this time.
