What if I never existed?
I don’t know, but I feel no one’s really needs me
If I never existed then there’s no wound in me. ‘Cause if I never existed no one’s can hurt me. And of course if I never existed thoughts like this wouldn’t exist either...
I feel like all this time in my life, I’ve always been the one who needed others. But never the other way around. With or without me, everyone would be fine. But without them, I’m nothing. At this point, if you understand me, yeahhh, we’re in the same boat. But if not, that’s a good thing, so no worries.
I feel I always be the one who eager to maintain connections with others, but no one really cares about the little thing that I always try to do. Maybe they’re just not my people, maybe I overthink too much, or maybe I just consumed by loneliness.
I’m full of mess too. Can’t anyone see that in me? I hope it shows so they can understand me. Do I look okay? If someone says yes, I’m scared. I’m scared that they might regret it later. Regret comes when you realize something too late. So, I also hope that I will never be too late to save myself.
But still, what if I never existed will it be better?
These past few days, I kinda feels nothing. Happiness feels so short and temporary. Not even last for a day. But still, I always try to be grateful for that. They say build up a positive mindset and emotion is harder than the negative’s one. Now, I understand that. It’s always harder to stay on the surface by swimming than chose to give up and drowning. Especially, when you’re full with depressive thoughts. I try harder recently and silently just to make the positivity work in me. But before I can reach that, I should be accepting my feelings first. The first step yet the hardest to take.
So this is me trying to embrace my negativity, by pouring out my worries here. Everything I do just to protect my precious self. I hope no one objects to that, but if they do, I hope they forgive me. I’m not saying this to get approval. I just don’t want to hurt anyone.
May whoever reads this be a kind and non-judgmental soul. May whoever found this and feel at the same boat with me, I hope you survive for tomorrow, one more day, and one day onwards, until the time. Hope you don’t acknowledge this as a depressing thought, I’m just trying to realize that nothing lasts forever in this world. As long as you still have time, I hope you can enjoy it. I hope you, me, and all of us can face all the phase in this life.
It’s okay if you still feel adrift in loneliness, because isn’t growing up closely associated with loneliness? So as long as you’re still able to maintain a bond with everyone that matters to you, even though you’ll still be alone in the end, just try to keep it. However, if you’re tired of it maybe it’s time to let go. ‘Cause maybe growing up is also realizing the world doesn’t just revolve around you. The world can’t always give you what you want. If today the world doesn’t feel like it’s working for you, maybe another time would be better.
So if you’re still thinking what if I never existed, that’s alright thoo. ‘Cause sometimes it’s just there to make us realize that we exist. All existing souls are precious and so are we. Thanks for being here. You’ve made it to this day, thank you for that hard work. Thank you for choosing to stay and continue this journey. I hope you, me, all of us can enjoy this journey.
p.s A warm hug for myself, you, and us ╰(*´︶`*)╯♡
