What People Didn’t Tell Me About Grieving
I already talked too much about grief in my journal, but I haven’t written it down when I am in a state of letting go and not filled with the thoughts of ‘what-ifs’. Every time I write about it, there is always something new I’ve never felt before. Every moment always feels different and even if you don't want to, you will end up experiencing a whole new feeling. No matter how long you already went through it.
Grieving can be about many things. You can grieve about losing a job, losing your pet, losing your friendship, or even losing yourself. But now, I am only going to talk about grieving when you lose your loved one.
Almost seven years in and here are three things people didn’t tell me about grieving:
- The first 5 months were the most loneliest and bizarre feeling ever
I kept waiting for my Dad to come back home. It just felt like he was going on a work trip. I spent a year full of crying every night because the emotional pain was hurting me so much to the point it aches me physically. I still remember the times I tried so hard to cry in silence because I didn’t want to wake my Mom up from her sleep.
The emptiness when all my family members went back home and everyone was back doing their activities was weird and hard for me to process. All I had in mind was, “How come I have to be present in class only a week after experiencing massive emotional pain and pretend I am okay?”
There were a lot of bizarre feelings I couldn’t express through words. Looking at his clothes hanging in the closet, the chair he used to sit on every night while smoking, or his phone that smells like medications feels weird and almost awkward to me.
- It isn’t linear — at all, and you will be confused by every second of it
I learned this the hard way by myself.
After a year of feeling destroyed inside, I pretty much went back to normal in a second year. I got back on my feet. Every time I feel sad, I write it down instead of only crying about it even though I still can feel the pain vividly.
But then when something triggered me, I went back spiraling and my mental health got worse again. I wasn’t familiar with this and thought I was weak. I blame myself for being sad after I thought I was feeling better, when in reality that’s how grieving always works. I didn't understand that grieving consists not of a steady process but an extreme roller coaster ride, full of ups and downs, filled with sudden bursts of pain in the middle of the day when you are surrounded by your friends, and endless thoughts of you going mad for feeling this way.
I made a lot of mistakes towards myself during this lowest point of my life until I read a lot of stories from people who went through similar pain as me, and then I realized that’s how it was supposed to be.
- The journey to ‘acceptance’ is longer than I thought
It took me almost seven years to say to myself that I was finally ready to let go of ‘some’ of the things I kept dear inside me all this time. I am also trying to be fine with the fact that all the questions don't always have answers and closure.
‘Ikhlas’ is never that simple, at least for me. I was only 18 years old when I lost my Dad. I understand nothing so I was looking at the world full of rage, confused, and felt that what I faced at that time was unacceptable.
Accepting that life changes from ‘before he was gone’ and ‘after he is gone’ is hard. I need to change the environment around me too and that alone left a dragging feeling inside me. Up until this day, I still feel guilty for moving on with life without him, but I have to because I know this is what he wanted.
I think I still have so much to unfold until I finally let go and be free from the shadow of grief. And I think it will take me a lifetime.
