what will be if i disappear?
have you ever imagined what would the world around you be like if you suddenly disappeared and never came back?
tonight, for a few seconds in the middle of the night, i got this kind of thought that i think would be okay if i imagined it. back then, i’m pretty sure that i’m not a ‘known’ person. i’m just an ordinary person that even my neighbor doesn’t recognize. i live my silent life and have my own bubbles.
so, what will happen if i disappear for a moment and let the world around me be affected?
well, it’ll be okay and doesn’t affect anything around — i think. i’m not a special person that is closest to everyone. i’m not that care to them, so do they. that’s why, in my head, the answer that pop up suddenly is ‘nobody would are enough for this’. nobody would recognize the girl who lived in his own room. no one would remember me — my existence would disappear too. so, that’s totally okay if i do this.
and then, i got another idea. i ask a couple of friends to answer those questions for me. i ask them,
‘what will you do if i disappear?’
one of my friends gives a rebuttal. he said, ‘don’t you remember what happened back then when we were on our holiday phase? you were for a damn sake disappear and don’t give us even the slightest news. you’ve got us worried and we found you by a million texts and calls. don’t be so rude and ask us about it. we won’t experience it again.’
i’m totally freezing. there’s no reason on earth to make them feel that way. again, i’m doubt myself. i think i’m not special to them but the fact that spitting by him told another. i was totally wrong before. i think that everything will be okay and nothing will be affected if i disappear.
then, another friend of mine also replied, ‘i’ll be deeply grieved and i’ll hate you for the rest of my life.’
as expected, i’ve got shocked by her. i think i’m not that worthy to make her felt that way. i’m an outsider tho. she has a lot of friends outside there and i’m just a flake of dust when juxtaposed. but, why did she felt sad?
so, i’ll take a look. i stand up in front of mirror and see myself which is visible there. my mind worked harder to remember a lot of things that happened between me and my friends. one… two… three — and then i realize that maybe ‘unworthy’ and ‘not special’ are labels that are given to me by myself. they don’t think bad as me. it’s only self-perception that ruined my own self.
it’s me who told myself that i’m not worth enough to be around them.
it’s me who told myself that i’m not special to them.
it’s me who thinks bad about myself and is overwhelmed because of it.
it’s me who always doubts myself.
it’s me. it’s only me.
in fact, the reality is even more beautiful than that. i have to stop doubting myself and feeling bad for myself as if it is really that bad. i’m precious. i deserve every single love that give to me. i have to stop thinking and being overwhelmed because of contrasting thoughts that isn’t happen. note to me: please, let yourself receive the love that i’ve deserved. it isn’t criminal to love yourself better. thanks for surviving. i’ll always be rooting for you.
