whatever she wants, whatever she wants.

To my sister, the witness of my existence and the one i shared my girlhood with. We were girls together, now and then. 쥬?!

“ there’s two people i connect to emotionally, one is my best friend, and another… “, i paused and laughed to myself.

sheepishly admitting, “ sorry this is so sappy. you. “.

my sister laughed too, “ mine is also my best friend and jiě “.

• jiě (n): big sister in mandarin.

growing up in a small one bedroom behind our family store; there you are with me. it was not luxurious, it was thin walls and two platform beds.

and i remember you, you were so small and so was i. yet, you were smaller. like you were fragile, like you’d break with just one touch. and it was my first time being taught a new role. i am your big sister. and what i always knew was, i’d do anything for you to not cry.

“ jiě, take care of your sister. “, i don’t like how it was worded; because no one has to tell me. i’d do it, like it’s natural. like i was born to be your big sister. like i was meant to look out for you.

you were the epitome of the moon. quiet, soothing yet can still make the tidal waves’ rise, despite hiding behind the curtain of night sky.

and there i was, the sun. loud, warm yet can stir the entirety of the weather, despite hiding behind the moon at night.

sometimes i miss our fights, we were so close. i had to always apologize, and i never put any grudges towards you; because i rather play with you. but you never held yours as well, i guess you missed having a playtime partner.

we were sisters, so we were attached by the hips. matching clothes, matching traumas. funny.

so when you asked to me, “ you used to hate me once, don’t you? “. i laughed, and said no.

how could i? i hated everyone for putting a test on us; for comparing us. a blessing and a curse for being close in age. but i’d never hate you. a part of my blood is yours, a part of myself lives in you. hating you meant hating myself. you’re just another version of me, oh how could i hate you?

i love you, because i orbit around you.

people who don’t know us always said we are the polar opposites, but in my opinion we are the two sides of the same coin.

it’s interesting, how the same experiences shaped two individuals into such similiar yet distinct person.

there was a night i can recount so clearly in my mind despite it being a decade ago. we used to sleep in the same room when we gratefully moved to a bigger house.

you slept on the lower bunk while i slept on the upper bunk, it’s always been like that for us. we didn’t talk about our feelings much before, not even now. but that night, we talked.

it was about a guy who liked the both of us, weird. we talked about how i rejected him because i wouldn’t want to be the option between the two of us, while you said you did it because:

“ i want you to be happy “, you never said anything of sort. you were twelve, but you shown me the tenderness of unconditional love for the first time. and i think, you touched the deepest part of my heart i could ever muster.

and from that night, all the sadness and pain i have felt during my life so far was gone. because you wished for my happiness so bravely, when there was no source for the two of us to learn about love.

it is naturally in you. when you said you’re emotionally constipated, i didn’t believe you. because you were my first concrete proof about love.

i love you, you’re the museum of every laughters i let out during my lifetime.

when we drift apart, i didn’t wonder much about it. not because i didn’t care about you, but it was obvious we grew up. i have things to run towards, and you have ones you stare in yearning; and vice versa.

but it’s lovely at the end of the day, i came back telling you how my year has been.

i didn’t worry much, because i knew you’d always be a part of my life.

like two birds on a wire, we spent half of our lifetime worrying about each others in silence. i was worried about the hurt you can’t mutter even under your breath, and you were worried of the longer duration of my bath.

perhaps time is the only one who could give us the answer we now hold. now we sit in an ice cream parlor near our house, and we reminisce about our life we have spent together and the rest we were apart.

and if you ask me how it feels like, i’d say it feels like you knocking on the bathroom door softly just to hear me hum, and i sat with you in a warm night in comfortable silence.

(you’d get it, wouldn’t you? you’ve always been smart at analyzing, so am i)

i love you, like my body’s codex. like it’s ingrained within every single movement.

there is two types of people, the ‘do-it-scared’ and ‘rethink-before-doing’; as i told you. i am the first, you are the latter.

you told your best friend you envy me, i have always done things recklessly. and i explained, it was because i have always been suicidal in my early teenage years; hence not having a future vision.

but not anymore, now i do things recklessly because i love living a life i adore. but to you, sometimes the echo in your head is too loud. you like it safe, secure, and comfortable.

and we came to terms, ideally we have to meet in the middle of that spectrum.

i should be more cautious, and you should be more daring.

and we ended the conversation full of hope.

like walking on a sand, i imagine my younger self slowing my steps while you catch mine; so we can walk together.

i love you, there’s many more adventures we should embark and nights we should watch the stars in wonder.

from the tiny bedroom we shared to another continent; you were there, and hopefully so will you then.

until then,

“ we were girls together. “, and we will always be. you stored my childhood in you, and i stored yours.

and i hope you get everything you want, and live a life you adore.

one day we will be in home,

i brew a pot of green tea,

and you’ll get two cups for us.

it is calm,

it is serene,

and we can be who we always were.

until then, lean on me sometimes.

i promise you;

we will be home,

we will be home,

we will be home.