When College Stole My Hobbies and Self-Esteem

I love my life. The seconds after I saw the announcement on my computer, I let out a sigh of relief. I mean, isn’t that what everyone would do when they witnessed that they got a combo-wombo of getting accepted into one of the best universities with their dream major? Well, that was my reaction too. That time.

Growing up with grace along my way, I feel my life was pretty easy and smooth for a lower-middle class girl. I barely feel so doomed for life matters — except love-life, since I am a hopeless romantic — and always conscious enough to be grateful. I have supportive surroundings of family and friends, good track of education and the capability of having a functioning mind. That was all enough to explain how grateful I am with my life and how nice it is.

But there are times when the sky suddenly cries when the sun is right there bluntly looking at us. In my case, it was my self-esteem that slide so low through the rabbit hole. It keeps hiding, loves to create some chaos when I hope it will make a positive entrance.

The way I feel when I chose my college major was nothing but pure excitement. I always love to write; it had been injected in my blood since the first time I inhale some oxygen in my life. As someone who loves putting some words and knot it beautifully, I grew up obsessed with writing poetries. Writing, though, not reading. The only two things I love to read are novels and comics, poetries? Meh.

If you are wondering why, it simply because I barely get the emotions that the poets try to pour into the words. Rhymes might help me enjoy it more, well, I do not know how to explain why. Meanwhile, when I write poetries, I always in the condition where my feeling explodes unbearably that I have to find a bowl to collect it all, to make it measured. I bet people can read me like an open book once they read all my poems.

Back again with college matter, I was fascinated when I listened to those amazing lectures. I can feel the mastery of language when they talk, the experiences, and their mindfulness. But when it came to tasks, future planning, and the society, I feel so small. The world suddenly feels like a huge competition where every creature possible are watching and waiting for my failure. I feel naked and robbed, I lost myself to the point where I became skeptical about everything I have been dreaming of.

I started to hate writing. Instead of giving me peace and became my sweet escape, writing tasted so bitter. I have no emotions to pour, it is like hollow inside my soul.

Can this platform open up my heart to embrace writing with affection? I hope so, that is all for my first post.