when death is peace; it no longer terrifies me
At the very least, I wouldn’t see a bear in family gathering.
Dear Readers, this piece of writing might bring up some catastrophic memories, specifically for SA survivors. Please make sure that you are in a good and stable place before reading.
I
Nowadays, I have seen so many online debates on my timeline. The same question plays back and forth on my full-fingerprinted screen, in my spare time . The would you rather question lingers in my mind, almost consuming my thoughts. I get lost in my mind, thinking of the would you rather question.
“Would you rather be in jungle with a man or a bear?”
Lots of them debated, throwing the reasoning behind their arguments, throwing the trade-offs, and their experiences with a bear which became overwhelming for me.
Dozens of videos explain that the bear is more dangerous, that a man could be very helpful because they can cooperate well, that a man could be a survival partner because they would use their brain. But why is that the scariest thing for me? Why for me it seems like a man could probably be the biggest reason I do not want to survive?
II
My life has been horrrendous anyway, everyday since the catastrophe hit me. I do not have sanctuary to go to, I can not find solace wherever I step. Nor can I turn back home to lay down. It all crashes. My world is crashing.
Everything changes, my perspective too, changes. I no longer recognize places. I only could recognize jungle. That is why, every places I stare, for me only remains danger.
Wise man says “what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger”. I wish that wise man could read this. I am sorry I failed you. What doesn’t kill me makes my vision foggy. What doesn’t kill me makes me lose my sanctuary. What doesn’t kill me makes me want to die instead. What a paradox.
III
People do not need to get my mouth utter a word about the answer of my would you rather question. They would know which one. I know the consequences of my choices very well. I am totally aware that I would be torn apart. I would never have a chance to run. And that’s the reason I choose bear.
Maybe, it’s not about which will kill you with no mercy. Maybe, it’s about which suffering we — survivors could bear more. Maybe, it’s not about intuition or common sense. Maybe, it’s about which one is more peaceful. Maybe, it’s not about which is better or worse. Maybe, it’s about what kind of danger we choose.
I could not even buy all the arguments about why bear are more dangerous creature. Perhaps my brain is damaged, or it is not functional anymore. Perhaps, it does not work as the society demands. One thing I know is that bear indeed is a dangerous creature. But, with bear, I would never get the idea of suffering in the aftermath.
So, what if I told you, I indeed chose the bear because I knew I would die, with no mercy? I chose the bear because death is the better option to begin with. And what if I told you, I’d rather choose death. Because death doesn’t terrify me anymore.
I want to leave, with no memories left. And I could only achieve it through death. Because at least, I wouldn’t recall a bear filming me when I was dying, crying for help. At least I wouldn’t meet a bear at my favorite restaurant. At least, I wouldn’t hold grudge knowing a bear lives happily after tearing me apart. And that’s when I could define death as a peace; it no longer terrifies me.
