words that altered my brain chemistry since i was fifteen
something I wouldn’t forget ever since.
Perhaps I don’t deserve nice things cause I am paying for sins I don’t remember.
That quote has been lingered on my mind since 2017. When I found out, it turns out from Rupi Kaur’s Milk and Honey book. I found it through my Instagram account while I was scrolling it.
I was fifteen years old when I first saw it. It has been stuck on my mind since then. I don’t know how, but that quote left an imprint in my head.
Ever since, I always try to make sense everything that happened to me. Whether I deserved it or not, I’ll take it wholeheartedly. While deep down inside, I’ll be questioning myself to sleep at night.
What makes it even worse, is that I found it when I was still in my past relationship with someone. That quote made me blame myself even more for what happened between us. It makes me think I deserved to be treated that way.
It’s getting worse, at least for me. Amid the situation, I started waking up at three in the morning all of sudden. At that time, it happened continuously until it became a habit.
It felt like I really don’t deserve nice things at all for what I have done to us. Even though for some moment, I sometimes feel like it’s not fair cause I was the only one who’s been punished at those times. But still, I always remind myself that (perhaps) I really deserve it.
Looking back to it with my wiser vision, I shouldn’t be so hard on myself. I shouldn’t have punished myself and take all the blame on me. It’s just not fair for a fifteen years old girl.
With my wiser vision that I hold onto, I shouldn’t view my sins as something that hold me back from seeing good things. Cause I think that God has divided our portions fairly, both good or bad things. It’s a little principle I hold to live my life peacefully.
Whether I deserved it or not, if it’s fair or not, I will always choose to believe that God has given the best of all for me. I choose to believe it, no matter what circumstances I’ve been in. And I guess it’s the best way to live.
I would never blame Him even though I had tears in my eyes, silent battles in my head, and plenty of doubt in my heart.
