You are on your own now
When I was five years old, I was eligible to join primary school due to my good grades throughout the year, and my homeroom teacher recommended it. However, my age didn’t meet the standard for primary school in my country. Despite this, my parent chose not to send me to primary school and I spent another year in preschool. I don’t remember exactly how the discussion went, but what could I do as a kid?
At eleven, without any hesitation or reconsideration, I went to middle school where my mom taught. After all, it was one of the best school in town, offering numerous benefits.
When I was fourteen, I was presented with two option for high school — both among the best in town. I wasn’t worried about being rejected because my final score were undeniably high. I easily chose one as my first priority and, as expected, was accepted.
At seventeen, I began facing options for my future. Even though I had good grades, nothing interested me enough to pursue it deeply. I received invitation to join university, but I didn’t know what I wanted for the next several years of my life. So, I applied to major in Statistics and Economics at one of the top universities in my country, and was accepted for Economics.
On the other hand, I was also accepted into a vocational education academy, highly sought after by those who aiming public service jobs because of its free tuition and job guarantee.
So, I chose the vocational academy, despite barely knowing the major and having no interest in it at all. Now, i have the job they guaranteed, and thankfully, it meets my daily needs, desires, and even allows for savings.
It seems like my path was smooth and effortless, doesn’t it? That I always had the best option, never having to worry about much because of my parents’ full support and what seemed like the universe conspiring to help me.
Yes, it did look like that.
I had been living alone since college, staying far from the town where my parents live. My friends would agree that I am an independent person who can be relied on.
But at twenty four, I realized that I was now considered mature enough to truly be on my own.
My parents are far away and have their own lives to manage. They have their own problems. Everyone has their own problems. I have a sister who looks up to me. I am a daughter, the first child in my family, the first granddaughter in my big family. I need to be that reliable person, capable of handling my own business.
But it’s different from how it was before 24. Now I realized that I often not able to handle myself, sometimes my emotions take control of me, and sometimes I just want to have a really long sleep and not meet the next morning. My world was falling apart, I was drowning.
When my peers had achieve double degrees, masters, I still am a diploma. When my old friends one by one getting married, I still fangirling over korean boys. At some point they had achieve remarkable values in their life, I still stand where I was three years ago.
As time goes on, I can no longer rant about my miseries to my friends, I can’t easily complain about things that don’t go my way. I can’t show my bad side to my sister, otherwise she might imitate me. I should share my bad days on social media (to close friend) less frequently than before. I can no longer ask what path I should take or where my life is heading. I can’t cry my heart out about my worries to my mom anymore.
I have to figure it out all by myself.
Practically didn’t choose; I made choices. In which I barely know the answer. And I often find my self get lost.
I truly on my own. I don’t know what to do or what should I do. I want to slow down and just enjoy what I have now. I don’t seek anything big ahead, just small happiness in daily life.
And that choice sometimes makes me wonder, is it okay? Is it okay to only want a peaceful life?
After all, we live in a world where social standards exist. Age matters, marriage status matters, financial status matters — everything matters. Some people have no choice but to meet these standards and expectations.
You are not living alone, but you are on your own.
Be strong.
