Expectation Kills, And You’re In Control.
You’re either living or dying every moment
My dog lays there in perpetual anxiety, curled up on the white linen couch staring out into the ether. His eyes are batman black but they still convey his anxiety, his faithfulness, that at any moment he will be summoned to my side for a ‘good boy’ and a scratching of his ears while his butt breath tongue tries to sneak a kiss.
But every second in between these special moments he lays silently in wait, in perpetual expectation of the next petting.
And I wonder as I glance over at him, am I any different?
Or am I too in a state of perpetual anxiety, brought on by my expectations of the world around me? And if I am truly honest then I must answer…yes.
I am in a perpetual state of anxiety. I am waiting for my next ‘good boy’ moment and a scratch behind the ears.
And the anxiety grows in my body until it has invaded every inch of flesh and blood and bones, and the muscle fibers in my legs begin to spasm uncontrollably like a fish who suddenly finds himself laying on the grass next to his home wondering whether or not mom and dad will come to save him.
And the fear in his eyes is the same fear that lives in my dogs eyes as he lays on the couch waiting for the next moment to come alive, and it’s the same fear in my eyes as I look out onto the world and wait for my queue to live again.
There is pain in expectation.
Expecting that everything will be easy in life. That my problems will magically disappear. That I won’t have to wait in line for 2,000 minutes at the grocery store checkout when I desperately want to just go the fuck home and relax for a minute.
Then there is even a subterranean level of expectation that truly kills everything. Expecting that my fiance will know exactly how I feel without having to express my emotions. Expecting that my father will suddenly become a great communicator, despite 65 years of contrary evidence.
Expectation kills.
It kills everything.
It kills joy. It kills love. It kills pain, and pleasure, and everything under the sun dies from expectation.
It kills both the present moment and the future when we are absorbed in what should be instead of what is and then famously holding onto anger when the moment didn’t unfold as we expected.
And all the while holding onto the irrational belief that we don’t have to do anything about it, expecting that everything should just happen as we desire.
Expectation robs you of the beauty of life.
It sucks you into an alternate reality of feverish control freakery and perfectionism. Because expectation is an attempt to exact god-like control over every single aspect of your life. And though I am unsure if there is a god I can safely say I would never want the job if it suddenly opened up.
Of trying to fulfill all the expectations that the humans below whisper to me in the night as they ready themselves for sleep.
Expectation kills.
You can’t be in the moment and try to control it at the same time.
And knowing this of course brings up a critical issue….
Are you even alive if you are living with endless expectations?
I don’t believe so.
When you are under the control of expectation you aren’t actually there. Someone is, but it’s not you, or at least it’s not all of you. It’s some small soulless, lifeless energy that remains in your body while most of you is carried away to an invisible floating death star that orbits around your head.
And there you are up in the death star sitting at your command post in a luxurious black leather chair surrounded by big screen t.v.s that project alternative realities to the present moment. And you, with your universal remote, flip through the channels waiting for something ‘good’ to appear so you can finally enjoy your popcorn.
But down below, the real you is dying.
There is no connection.
And instead of enjoying the 2,000 minute wait at the grocery checkout, your lifeless body huffs and puffs with impatience and makes snide comments to your fiance who can’t understand why you are so angry.
And she tells you to let it go but you can’t hear her because you are up in your floating fortress eating popcorn and watching t.v. at full volume.
And now you have ruined not only the present moment but the drive home from the grocery store as well and depending on whether you decide to come down from your death star, maybe the rest of the evening too.
Expectation kills.
