Here’s Why You Shouldn’t Spend Time Holding Grudges Against People You Care About
Or really, anyone in general, if possible.
A few years ago, I got into a Facebook messenger argument with a man I’ve known for the better part of my life, in some way or another. He was the blood relative of my first real grade school girlfriend and worked at the Pizza shop we went on our first date to, if dates count in fourth grade anyway.
He was Uncle Billy, The Gino’s Pizza guy. Then after that, as I got older and he likely lost that job to dereliction and drunken debauchery he had a way of making an art out of, he became my once grade school girlfriend’s, but life long friend’s fun loving, probably drank too much but mainly harmless Uncle. Billy had a way of making you laugh even when you didn’t want to. He could infuriate you over something absurd or ridiculous that left his mouth, but you just couldn’t stay mad at him. He usually meant well. However, we all have our demons and inner depths others know nothing about, I know Billy didn’t have an easy life, few of us do. However I’ll also be the first to say, he didn’t exactly go about making things easier on himself either, just like so few of us do. Whether we’re talking about Billy, Bobby, or Britney, life eventually kicks you right in the genitals just to do it. It’s apart of it. Few of us leave this place unscathed, some just more damaged than others, in all different, various and at times, in ways we didn’t consider because most civil folks would consider them unthinkable.
However, we never know what an individuals been through that got them to where they are the day we run into them next or last. And I assure you, as Billy and so many others have taught me the hard way in life, no matter how much someone means to you or how much you love them or they love you, the next time you see them could very well be the last time you’ll ever see them, or they you. Nothing is promised in life except death, ironically but unmistakenably.
The last conversation I had with the man I’d eventually come to call Uncle Billy despite our lack of blood relation, was over facebook messenger at some ungodly time in the middle of the night when both of of us were out of our minds on alcohol and whatever else we were able to find and afford at our favorite local dive bar. Relax, I’m not advertising nor endorsing it, but facts are facts and contexts and frames of mind matter.
We said mean shit we didn’t mean to eachother, back and forth like a toxic rap battle until I eventually had enough of his shallow shenanigans and told him I wished him the best, but he needed help and was delusional. Delusional, Partly because he said with enough conviction to believe he was going to England to become a writer. I had already been established here and other places as a paid writer. I don’t know if my words, as a paid writer a quarter of his age had any effects on him, his decisions, or confidence as a writer, or person….but if there’s one thing I could take back that I’ve said in my entire life, it might be that. I’m sure Billy would tell me he paid no mind to it or never even read it, if he was here today — but he’s not because he died two weeks after that conversation from a combination of drugs and alcohol.
I packed my bags and reached out for help myself the very next day, via a treatment center for drugs and alcohol. I entered their thirty day inpatient program after 5 days of detox at a separate medical facility, voluntarily and without being forced or even asked to by anyone, other than me.
I came home from rehab to find out Uncle Billy and two other people I knew had died from Overdoses or alcohol related issues, in just the 35 days I was away. I didn’t get to attend Billy’s funeral, wake, or make it right with him like I should’ve, not before his passing or as all those who knew and loved him said one last farewell to a man nobody who ever knew him will be able to forget and unfortunately not at his gravestone after. It’s just one of those things I’ll have to live with and hope he knows, I truly am sorry for both how I spoke to him that night and not being there for him, toward the end of his life that maybe didn’t have to be his end, had I done something, or after his passing, being I didn’t even hear the news until two weeks after when I completed my rehab inpatient program.
All I know, is life is too short for the frivolous suckery and petty problems we like to pout about, as we diminish the character of others who are no worse than us on a surface level, just to make ourselves feel better, or make a friend laugh. Because we don’t feel tip top about our own selves that day so why not tear another down to see if it helps? It doesn’t. As enough time passes, you realize that person didn’t do anything to deserve such treatment or trashing from you, behind their back, out the side of your slick talking mouth or directly to them. You migh’ve affected them in a way they’ll carry with them internally far more frequently or longer than you could’ve possibly imagined or even intended. We’re all built differently, what bounces off one person may be anothers reason to finally give up trying in life. You just never know, People don’t come with their mental states engraved on their forehead. You never know who a simple smile in passing could save or who is seconds away from breaaking down mentally, emotionally,physically and publicly — maybe even justifiably so. To make matters even more complicated, there’ salways a fair chance that could end up being the last time you’ll ever see them and the last thing you ever said to them was a half a joke you never got to assure them was just that and nothing more. They might forget about it, and maybe you will too.
Or maybe neither of you will, and every time you see them, that’s the energy that fills the room.
Life’s hard enough as it is, we can get through it without tearing eachother down, holding grudges over things that never meant anything of any signifigance anyway, or letting someone else live rent free in our head, cost of utilities included.
Don’t take jokes too seriously but when you see someone is genuinely distraught by them, make it clear to them you were joking and how much you value them — and that you apologize if you hurt them.
Because I assure you, I’m speaking from experience when I say, you won’t always have another chance to do so at a later date. Life is fragile, precarious and special, It’s far from forever, don’t treat it like time is infinite and assume you’ll find time to do and say all the things that matter to you, to the people who life was always better off with, then without.
