It’s so easy to make excuses for those we love when they hurt us.
They were angry, drunk or have a lot going on, we tell ourselves.
But the truth is, it’s in these moments we should pay the most attention.
I’ve spent my entire life, overlooking the bad. Or even worse — blaming myself for it. There’s much I can and should be blamed for and I own it.
However, I’ve made a habit out of making excuses for the people I’ve wanted to believe were good people, good friends, and good parents.
Abuse, neglect, and manipulation can come in many forms. Just because you’re not being physically abused — doesn’t mean abuse isn’t present.
Because a parent provided for you, doesn’t mean you weren’t neglected.
Pay attention to what the people who supposedly love you say when they’re angry because it’s likely they mean them. Anger isn’t an excuse for being a shitty person. Neither is alcohol or stress. There’s no excuse for treating people you allegedly care about as if they’re less than.
Ignoring red flags and warning signs those we care about give us in these moments doesn’t make us good people or better friends — it just gives them the okay to mistreat us again in the future. It sets a dangerous precedent.
I spent my entire childhood, never speaking back to a certain parent. Deserved or not, I took whatever they had to say and swallowed it, no matter how much it hurt, how untrue it was or how badly I wanted to rage out.
I’m certain this caused a build-up of anger in me that was begging to be released. I’d take it out on whoever I saw fit and that’s not okay.
It makes me no better than the parent who took their day out on me night after night, verbally and emotionally. The difference is, I can acknowledge it.
I can see my defects and shortcomings for what they are and work to improve.
I can trace things back to their square root and origin. I can own my side in things, apologize and genuinely mean it. I’m determined to be better than these people I speak of. I’d never learn to love myself if I didn’t.
It’s common to let love blind us to who people truly are. However, it’s always costly. It costs us time, money, and most importantly — happiness.
There will always be occasions when people show you their true colors, who they really are and what they really stand for. Don’t believe their kind words while you ignore their hurtful or unkind actions. You’re only setting the cycle up to repeat itself. You’re designating yourself as their personal emotional punching bag. Speak up, let them know it’s not okay and you won’t stand for it.
If nothing else, you’ll be happier for it. You’ll feel better about you at least.
We can’t change or fix people but we can see them for who and what they truly are if we take emotion out of the equation. We can then work hard to never become like them and not welcome people like this into our lives.
I’ve finally gotten to a point and place in my life where I’m done making excuses for others and letting the good in them blind me to the bad.
Nothing you’ve previously done for me gives you the freedom to mistreat me.
How close we are, doesn’t give you the okay to take your problems out on me. Regardless of who you are, how long I’ve known you or how much I love you.
Today, when others show me who they are, I don’t argue. Not with them and not with the part in me that knows, this is who they are. I take their drunken and angry words for it. I observe their actions and analyze them. People’s true character will always seep out eventually, you just have to be willing to see it.