My Super Power is Also My Greatest Weakness
I walk into the office and as with every day I greet everybody. Proceeding to my early morning meetings I always crack a joke and try to lift the moods up. During the day I am approachable even though I am working on a lot of other things. I sound like a calm person who's comfortable. But I am screaming from the inside.
Ever since I was a child I learned to surround myself with four physical walls, shielding myself from bullying and the ugliness of the outside world. My parents let me be and as a cultural thing, they didn’t prod or pressure me much.
Naturally, moving to my adult life, this form of life became a habit.
Eventually, I broke down the physical four walls to become more social and join society as a functioning member. I strayed so far off the shyness path with my tuned social skills that people are still shocked to hear I have social anxiety.
Although the physical four walls broke down a long time ago, I’ve built personal ones inside of me. My childhood mechanism of shutting down all negative emotions from leaking outside has put a smiling mask on my face.
It sounds great! You’re functioning well under stress and it doesn’t show.
That’s the tricky part. Sometimes we want to be heard or seen but don’t necessarily want to reach out for help ourselves. My wife sees me great and I’ve worked a ton removing my walls around her, but with society, it’s a different story.
I’m afraid of being vulnerable.
When people freely share what they did on the weekend or a new hobby they just started it sounds so easy. For me, it’s the hardest thing to do because it feels forced. And sharing my feelings has the same ring to it.
I shared my feelings around here in my most comfortable medium, writing. It’s been freeing and liberating. If you followed along you’d know I’m burnt out and anything but satisfied with my career.
Last week I had a panic attack due to an upcoming chore at work. I’ve been honest and true with myself and I realized that it was the last straw. My wife and I weren’t surprised because we knew it was a ticking time bomb.
However, my manager was shocked.
How can an employee with such a smile on his face quit his job out of the blue? Why is he leaving after he got a raise and was promised big plans for the new upcoming year?
And this is why my greatest superpower is also my greatest weakness.
Everybody around me was blind to my thoughts and feelings. I was shouting and clawing my insides while keeping a smile on my face. It kind of reminds me of this meme:
So what should I have done?
In my case probably nothing because the main trigger was burnout. I can’t tell my manager I’ve burnt out because in the future when I’ll need his phone number as a recommendation for my next job, he’ll be sure to tell them I can’t handle stress.
There’s no real answer here.
But if you’re dissatisfied with something in your job, and your management is approachable, then tell them. But be smart about it. Sit at home and practice. Think about it well.
The worst thing you can do is share your raw feelings.
Letting out some steam feels good in the moment, but awful later. You’ll remember that one word or one sentence you shouldn’t have shared or could have phrased differently.
Keep your four walls, but create a small window for others.
Don’t get me wrong. I am thankful for my four walls because they kept me above water in the chaotic storm that was going on in my life in the latest years. But I do think I should be more open about my feelings and thoughts.
Do you have four walls as well? I would like to hear your take dear reader.
If you’re curious about how I’ve been dealing with burnout for over a year you can read this story, but first give this one a clap or fifty if you’ve enjoyed it:
