There’s No Point In Living Anymore

We hear most rich people aren’t the happiest ones. Having a fortune giving you everything you ever dreamed of makes the joy of achieving it non-existent. I haven’t struck gold yet, but I’ve seen the veil drop. Just like an outside observer standing at the fourth dimension of time seeing my entire life in front of me, I wonder about one question. Why?

“Astronaut sitting in a small spaceship that has taken off from earth, leaving it behind a small little dot. 3d art in a sad melancholic style” — This is a bot-generated image whose copyright is with the Author, by using the Bing Image Creator. The author assumes responsibility for the copyright of this image.

Everything was going great.

I have been writing my thoughts here and even published a book. My following is steadily growing and I pushed some great stories to major publications. I haven’t made a dime but I’ve put a dent into this world. I also have a public social media following that is growing steadily.

Things were great. I had a plan. And then I got hit across the face in the metaphorical sense, making my wits slapped out of my brain.

It all came to a halt.

Imagine you had a major life event that was out of your control or your life. I no longer felt safe in my house. Even going out was a major endeavor. Luckily my work was very supportive and I could pause everything and process what had happened.

In the coming months, I started regaining the confidence to step outside of my door. I started going to work and doing everything that I used to do before. On the surface, it looked great but it was not.

I was going through the motions, but my heart wasn’t in it.

And it still isn’t.

I’ve lost something. And I cannot seem to regain it. Moreover, I know I never will. It’s as if a veil was lifted from over my eyes revealing the sad truth of this horrible reality.

There is no point to anything.

Of course, I am not talking about suicide. Even with my often sarcastic tone, I have to put these words on the table. I am talking about quitting life by secluding myself from everything.

I had a passion for writing and for my other public social media presence. Heck, I even finished the first course of beginner acting and was eagerly waiting for the advanced course to begin. I was enjoying them but also dreaming of the day they bought me a ticket out of my sad reality of being a software developer. I wanted out for a long while now.

I always had a passion for writing and that would never go away, just subsided at certain points of my life. And that’s fine. I never claimed to write consistently but I will always be here.

But the other social media presence and the acting lessons I started taking were a big question mark for me. Taking such a big pause and stepping back made me face a question I was probably asking subconsciously but ignored all along. Am I doing it because I have fun or just because it’s my ticket out of software development?

I still haven’t posted anything on my public social media. Not sure if I ever will again. But I am not being dichotomic about it as I used to. Life isn’t black and white, so I am keeping it open for discussion later.

As for the advanced acting lesson course — I’m there physically but my mind is somewhere else. At one of my latest therapist meetings, I realized that if the course was canceled all of a sudden I would be relieved. I admit I am going just because I started and it still brings me fun in the moment, even if it’s not as fun as it used to be.

And it all opened up another question; what is the point of living?

I was working my ass building the social skills I lacked all my life, from being secluded in my mind between four walls at my parents' house. I built myself a successful career with 8 years of software development, being one of the top developers in the industry. All of these used to be goals and I achieved them.

But now, that I have everything — why do I even need to go out? I previously wrote here how the company of my wife is sufficient for me.

Why do I have to work in a job I dislike? It’s just to pay the bills because I can’t do it otherwise. Nothing can replace this high-paying job.

I conclude that I want to seclude myself from the world for at least a year. By quitting life I mean not going out anymore.

But I have no choice but to live it.

Many dream of a big house or a fortune that can buy them anything. All I dream of is living quietly under humble means and doing what I love.

There is no solution or definitive answer. I am lost. And I know I’ll never be found again. What would come out of this transitional phase is a worse me, eroded by the harshness of reality.

At least I’ll be writing about it here, my only true refuge.

What is your point in living?

You can read the previous episode here where I discuss why I want friends but can’t have any:

Do You Hate Never Fitting In?