With Sincerest Apologies To My Liver

I never meant to hurt you, but tonight, I’m cleaning out my conscience (but not my colon)

Where does one begin in apologizing to their own organ? Welp, I guess right here. For starters, I’ve abused you early and often, especially for something I’ve never laid eyes on. Thankfully, you’ve never hurt me or hit me back. I’m sure you’ve wanted to, I would if I was you. But you’re kinder and gentler than I am, but also uglier (presumably) and not as good at making amends. That doesn’t justify my behavior over the last two decades and a half or so, but truth remains truth, nonetheless.

Maybe I should take the Akon ‘you can put the blame on me’ route rather than ridicule you in an Eminem fashion like on the song where he told his mom he was sorry, but really didn’t seem so at all. I digress. So anyways.

About those countless beers, shots, mixed drinks, bloody marys, kegs I attended, keg stands I swore we both could take like champs (I know, we didn’t), house parties, bar crawls, endless St. Paddy’s Day shennanigans, New Years eve nonsense, eve of Thanksgiving throw downs, birthday bashes and just plain old rainy Tuesdays, my bad. For reals fam, I clearly wasn’t thinking when I was drinking.

But have you ever had a frozen margarita? They’re absolutely delightful--oops, I guess you actually probably have, just minus the taste. You were busy trying to process what was happening, kind of like I am now, except this isn’t doing irreparable damage to me as all of that did you. Again, you have my utmost…