Murder, sex cults, deadly drugstores, and more, within a three-block radius
Just an average afternoon in Pioneer Square on Seattle’s (free) true crime walking tour.
It’s Tuesday afternoon, and it’s cold. It’s not freezing, but it’s probably somewhere around 40 degrees. That’s not out of the ordinary for mid-February, but it’s the reason why it’s only me and a German tourist on the Seattle True Crime walking tour in Pioneer Square.
A few minutes before 1:30pm, I find a man, probably around my age, waiting with a “walking tour” flag near the totem pole in Pioneer Square Park. He introduces himself as Chris and tells us that he’s a local historian who wrote this tour. The tour is set to take about an hour and will encompass about half a mile of walking. I would learn midway through the tour that our tour guide is Chris Allen, host of “The Seattle Files” podcast, which discusses Seattle-area history with Seattle-area comedians. I had heard of his podcast, but hadn’t spent time, at that point, listening to it. I became aware of “The Seattle Files” when Allen had a show at Bumbershoot with John Keister in 2016. (I was a huge fan of the TV show “Almost Live!” and at one point in my life, my dream was to write a book of its history, until someone scooped me.)
It should come as no surprise that the host of a comedy podcast is both very funny and a gifted storyteller. While the tour is free, Allen said his goal was to convince the both of us that the tour has value to us and that it survives on our donations. He also noted that during the spring and summer, the crowds are a lot more robust, capping off at 35 patrons.
Up until last year, murder was the primary reason for me coming to Pioneer Square as the irreplaceable Seattle Mystery Bookshop used to keep me stocked up on Agatha Christie paperbacks, so it felt right that something prurient would bring me back.
But here I’m standing a few blocks away from the much-missed bookstore, hearing about our first crime on the tour. It’s about a sex cult that ended up in Oregon after it branched off from the Salvation Army. Did you know the Holy Rollers were called that because they literally rolled on the ground for hours?
I don’t want to give too much away because I would hate to spoil the surprises of each crime story seeming to be more unbelievable than the last one. I kept telling myself “This is my favorite story so far,” only to revise that opinion every few minutes. Suffice to say that if you want an afternoon filled with murder, vice, medical quackery, and a stripper that lost her left leg in a freak parade accident on Bastille Day and subsequently opened a gay disco, there are few better options for how you can spend your time. Even the Trumps have an origin story rooted in Seattle’s sordid history, because of course they do.
People smarter than me have been saying for some time we’re in the middle of a “true crime boom,” which is something I’m fully on board with. It’s such a fascinating thing for me, especially in the context of the Seattle Free Walking Tour, because there’s no amount of developer cash that can wash away this history. I’m thankful there are people like Chris Allen making sure these stories are continuing to be told because new, shiny buildings help us forget our history, but they can’t fully erase it.
It’s like Macbeth said, “Will all great Neptune’s ocean wash this blood clean from my hand? No, this my hand will rather the multitudinous seas incarnadine, making the green one red.”
The True Crime Tour happens often, usually at 1:30pm. You can reserve tickets here.
*One more thing: Journal of Precipitation is a new, Seattle-area arts and/or culture website that is dedicated to exploring the Pacific Northwest outside of the “usual places” and the cultural zeitgeist. We believe in compensating all of our contributors (even though it is probably modest, compared to larger websites and magazines). If you value what we’re doing, please consider contributing to our Patreon, and allow us to continue to grow and provide coverage of our community.
