Our Souls Expansion

I’m listening to a “Live Awake” podcast. I usually really enjoy them. They’re healing and thought-provoking. This one is about looking at a difficult experiences as gifts.

“We all know when looking back at our lives of a time when we came to kiss the feet of a difficult experience; where we came to see the gold within it; where we came to understand there was a gift there for us. Your entire life is saturated with those gifts.”

Yes, there are many times that I realize were truly necessary learning experiences in order to create me as the whole person I love today. What I couldn’t accept was trying to see abuse as a gift in any way.

Now, I am not saying that she was suggesting that at all, but — to me —the the point of view was somewhat naive and not inclusive of those situations around which people have no control. And it triggered some thoughts.

I often wonder whether I would have been a fuller, better person overall — more capable of love without fear — if I had not experienced the abuse. I don’t trust people. And I don’t believe that more hardship makes a better person.

My father told me that he “always thought I was such a happy little girl”.

I was. My natural disposition was likely the only thing that saved me from snapping, becoming addicting to something, or committing suicide. How much more beautiful, loving and whole would I be now if I hadn’t had to heal with the bullshit of abuse?

Why would I ever kiss the feet of my abuse? I struggle with fully loving my husband every single day. Every day I have to work to remind myself of the love and joy that is there. When we’re having sex, I often have to look at him and consciously remind myself that he’s not my brother.

I can’t see anything at all to be thankful for in the experience.