Marriage advice and other life lessons from a wise old lady

It was the December of 2015. My sister was going to get married in a few days and so we had a lot of wedding invitation cards to be delivered. I was given the responsibility of inviting our acquaintances living in a building in western suburbs of Mumbai, where I had spent most of my schooling years. My father being in a government job had been transferred to a lot of places and this was the one where I had spent most of my childhood.

I gladly took up this responsibility because I was glad to be meeting people who had pampered me as a child. However there were exceptions to this. One such acquaintance was an octogenarian lady who lived just below the apartment that I lived in 15 years ago and someone whom I was in fact scared of as a kid, like most kids in my locality. Scared because she was a strict disciplinarian. As kids we had broken her plant pots and had troubled her due to our screaming and shouting. She did not overlook our mistakes like some elders did but rather made us own our mistakes. Although this sometimes upset us, our conscious knew that she was always right. She also had a grandson who lived abroad but came down to visit her during summer vacations each year. I got along very well with him and his arrival meant we visited their place often for playing video games and so I was treated to a lot of delicacies too. So that day after several years when I pressed her door bell I was nervously happy. The childhood scare feeling had been brought to the surface but I was still looking forward to meet her. As she opened the door and slowly looked at me through her glasses her first expression was that of looking at a stranger but I told her my name and she suddenly recognized me and happily welcomed me inside.

She lived alone now. Her husband had expired a few years ago and both her kids were settled abroad. I wondered how she managed to live alone at this age.

She was a very happy to know that my sister was finally getting married. Well! ‘finally’ because she was getting married at the age of 33 and in the Indian context of marriages that is considered to be really late. But again that’s just what the society thinks and not my sister and neither me. Soon that made her ask me about when I was going to get married and I responded ‘probably in the next couple of years’ but frankly I had no idea, however this had been my standard response to this question for the last couple of years. She was surprised to hear this and said that her grandson said the same thing and so was worried. Worried not just because me and her grandson were still not married but because she thought our whole generation was too casual about this sacred institution. Following few lines loosely describe her observations and our conversation over this matter:

Observation 1 : You guys get married so late. It takes few years to know each other. The later you marry the more head strong you tend to be and would be less adaptable. I am not even getting in to the body clock issue.

My rebuttal : But one needs to feel ready for marriage.

Her comeback: Aren’t you 29. She just nodded in disbelief.

Observation 2: Money is not everything in marriage.

My rebuttal : But with the expenses that we have one needs to be earning well before getting married. I would not blame the girl if she wants to marry a guy who earns well and vice versa to run the household expenses.

Her comeback: Don’t marry for the money he/she makes or where he/she works. Marry if you see potential. Rest will follow. Also money is not everything. You would rather stay happy in a small house than sad in a big house.

Observation 3: You guys have a lot of expectations from each other but very little patience to let them getting fulfilled.

My rebuttal : We live in a competitive and fast world these days. So I think that makes some of us impatient.

Her rebuttal: It’s marriage for God sake not a time bound contract.

Observation 4: Divorce rates are high among young couples than they were ever. I have heard its more in love marriages than in arranged ones.

My rebuttal : I am going to have an arranged marriage. (Glad at my wisecrack.)

Her comeback : but when ?

Observations 5 : Divorce reasons are ridiculous — He leaves a wet towel on the bed everyday, He snores too loud, She comes home late everyday, She cant cook good food.

My rebuttal : Really ! (that’s not really a rebuttal)

She does not require a comeback.

Although we spoke about other matters this seemed to be her biggest worry. I spent a good half an hour at her home which was the maximum time that I did at anyone’s place that I visited that day. As I decided to leave I told her she must definitely come for the wedding. She said she might not be able to due to her age and health but she will try if she has someone to accompany her. I insisted that she must try her best.

Soon I got busy with the marriage preparations and forgot all about our conversation. She could not come to the wedding and we got on with life.

Two months later my father received a call in the morning from one of our acquaintance in the same building. They informed that she was no more.

“I suppose her children would be on their way to do the last rites”, I inquired. “There will be no last rites” he informed.

Apparently she wanted all her organs to be donated and did not wish to be laid on a funeral pyre. As I have seriously embarked on the mission to get married these days I could not help but share her last piece of advice and the several lessons that she taught me in her life and also in death.