13 Steps to Weed Fucks From Your Inner Garden and Find Peace

A step-by-step metaphor of your life and gardening.

1. Imagine all the fucks you give to the world growing around inside you like weeds. Let me be clear. I am not talking about every care inside you being a weed. I am specifically talking about things that are detrimental to your well-being like, “Did I say the right thing?” “Will they look at me?” “Does my ass look too big/too flat/too flabby?” “Are people going to take me seriously?” “Am I enough?” Those. Those are the fucks I mean.
2. Now, picture yourself going around a wild and fragrant garden. This beautiful garden inside of you should not have such toxic weeds. Those fuck weeds need to go. Imagine you have a little basket you can keep them in while you gather. For every single fuck you pick, name it, acknowledge it, pluck that nasty little bitch out of the ground, put it in your basket, and go find the next one.
3. Note: Sometimes these detrimental fucks are hard to find. Look under determination stones and close to the ground under flowers of contentment or vines of admiration.
4. Don’t forget to recognize the beauty of the garden around the weeds. Notice the juicy flowers of passion, the spongy yet strong bark of an empathy tree. Surely there are wildflowers of interests that drive you, grasses of kindness, little birds of humor, paths that lead here and there made from stones of self-love. Take note of what these things look like and the fragrance they emit.
5. Once you’ve taken the day and collected all those fucks, you’re going to go through the forest that edges your garden. This is the forest of fear. It is a little dark. You’re not sure if you want the world to come through those trees, but you know you must make the forest familiar, because it is the only path that leads to your garden. Inside this forest, there is a clearing, with a forgiveness stream, grace flowers, and still more empathy trees. You forge ahead through that dank forest and find yourself in a meadow.
6. Note: Be on the lookout while walking for other supplies you will need: Twigs of hardiness, dry pine needles of boldness, and add them to the matches of bravery you always carry with you.
7. When you arrive, spread out a blanket of determination. You know, the one with the stitching of resiliency around the edges? Sit on this blanket for a little while and focus on the scary forest around you. Take some deep breaths. Rub your arms, the chills of unknowing have surely been raised. Tell the prickles at the back of your neck to shut the hell up.
8. Take some more deep breaths and close your eyes while you picture a radiant light all around you, imagine this bright light protecting you from yourself.
9. Take out that basket of fucks you collected and dump them onto your blanket. Look at them now, all wilted and small after you plucked them out of your wild and rich soil.
10. Bring out that kindling you found along the way and build up a fire nearby. Make sure you add all the twigs and needles. Strike those matches and set your pile of courage on fire. Fan the flames of healing and watch those fucks dissolve.
11. Sit on your knees in reverence for this great ritual of cleansing. Close your eyes and thank the gods they gave you the sight to find all these fucks in your garden.
12. Take big handfuls of all those fucks and throw them into the flames. Watch them burn.
13. Dance around the fire of your fucks burning, your body celebrating and sweating, undulating under the new lightness of less fucks hanging around in your garden.
14. When there are only ashes left, take a little bit of them and put them into a small jar as a reminder of what happens to fucks when they grow in your stalwart garden. Now, you have many less fucks to give out to the world when you’re doubting yourself.
15. Whenever you’re having a moment of panic or feeling like you’re not [insert whatever bullshit thing that you know isn’t true about yourself, all the doubt, all the fear], repeat steps 1–12.

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