5 Steps to Disengage and, Simply, Be Better
Simple steps on disengaging in a notification-filled world.
The shrill trilling of my phone’s ringer cut through my clarity and focus. Which, let’s face it, had been hard to find that morning. Having waged my daily battle with The Three T’s (time, teenagers, traffic), I was finally home and settled in front of my computer. Working. And in a flow.
And then, the ring.
Glancing at the number, I saw it was my doctor’s office. A quick mental scan reminded me there wasn’t any concerning reason they should be calling. No one in the family was in need of anything. No one injured.
But. I took the call.
A young, peppy voice met me on the other line, “Good morning, Ma’am. We’re calling to remind you that you need to set your annual appointment with our office.” Pure sunshine and caramel coming from her voice. Unfortunately, her syrup met my stonewall.
I barked at her, “I am aware of that and I will set my own appointment. I do not need the reminder. Good bye.”
You could hear the clouds roll in over the phone, “I’m sorry to have disturbed.”
After I laid the phone down next to me, I did what I always do — chided myself for engaging so poorly. I mean, I didn’t have to take that call, right? There was no earthly reason I needed to do that. I made the decision to; that choice was mine. And that young lady, poor kid, she didn’t deserve my cold response. She was just doing her job.
The more I thought about this, the more I reflected on my well-established and codified internal “code” regarding immediate engagement. And the more I realized I’ve woefully set myself up for such tremendous failure by becoming addicted to the instantaneous. From phone calls, to texts, to emails I’ve programmed myself to believe that everything must be engaged with immediately, that you’re only as professional as your response time; which should be minimal.
But what have I given up in the process of doing this? It turns out, quite a bit.
My internal ethics-guide is really out of whack here and I know I’m not alone in this. Sure, we’ve read articles about how over-connected we all are these days, that we should keep our phones out of our bedrooms and practice setting limits for social media engagement; that we should try to not look at our phones both an hour after rising and before bed. Most of these articles and discussions focus on relaxing our brains and giving our eyes a break, while not addressing the impact this hyper-connectedness has on our humanity towards ourselves and others.
And that hit me square in the face when I hung up the phone that morning.
Somewhere along my adult-hood path, I came to hold an internal belief that if you can then you must engage immediately. Ignoring a call, email, or text to prioritize something else was not permissible. In fact, it was rude and signaled a lack of care.
Wow! Have I been living in the Upside Down or what?!? No wonder I found myself constantly irritable and irritated. Who wouldn’t be with all that psychic pressure to both focus and respond? So. I made a decision that day. A quiet, simple one. One that will, no doubt, have a great impact on my quality of life moving forward.
I gave myself permission to choose not to engage.
I decided from now on, if I am working, cooking, chatting, playing, writing, reading, or engaging in any other IRL activity and my phone bings, pings, whirls, or wizzes I am going to ignore it. Or. I am going to flip the little side switch to silent in order to be fully present in life. The truth is that 99.9% of what comes through truly can wait.
And if I give myself permission to let it sit for a bit, then my stress is reduced and my humanity preserved.
As a note, I am still perfecting this practice. It isn’t always easy! In fact, it feels a bit like I am reprogramming all my circuits and systems. But the work is worth it.
I gave myself permission for it to be.
#1 | Check Yourself
To shift anything, the first thing you really gotta do is put yourself in check. Nothing is really going to change unless — or until — you are able to call yourself out on these patterns.
Don’t beat yourself up. Just notice it. Sit with how it makes you feel.
When I got real with myself, I was able to connect to feelings that ranged from anxiousness, irritation, and even anger at times. All of which manifested in increased heartbeat, rapid breathing, and a flush. I was having sustained physical responses to a perceived intrusion. Crazy. And on the other side of that response came the converse — guilt, shame, self-loathing — because I knew I was over-reacting to these situations.
Logically, I knew I was the one in control. So it meant I needed a plan.
#2 | Identify a Strategy
The point here is to keep it incredibly simple. Keeping your plan to three or fewer “rules” is critical because you need to automate them. Remember, we are rewiring our programming. Which means the KISS method is always the best method.
My first step was to identify when I am most likely to be under high stress already (deadline work, at the gym, making dinner) and develop my plan with those circumstances in mind. It doesn’t mean I can’t apply them to other times as well; this simply helps me know my plan is solid because it’s tailored to high stress times.
In the end, most of my strategies overlap across areas and are simply intuitive: silence the phone (this works at the gym even because I’m listening to podcasts and with it muted don’t hear the texts or emails), close tabs and email accounts not in use, select background stimuli that is mentally engaging for the task at hand (podcasts, Endel, streaming music).
#3 | Give Yourself Permission
A must do. Whether you speak it to yourself, journal it, or make it a mantra in the moment, you absolutely must give yourself permission not to engage when the phone or computer bings, pings, or rings.
It sounds simple but it can be more challenging than you realize.
I choose to focus on the feeling of lightness in my body (as a result of not having cortisol pumped and dumped because of the stress of interacting when I don’t want to) and take pride in ownership of my own schedule. That keeps me on course with my “permission giving” when I might waver.
#4 | Self-Talk
Be your own coach. In those moments when you get beeped or buzzed, at first you are gonna need to talk yourself through the impulse to engage. Figure out what your mantra is and just keep repeating it to yourself. Tell yourself it is okay to not answer — because it is! And give yourself props and a gold star when you let the call go to voicemail or leave the text unanswered.
A note on texts: I’ve come to a place of realizing I must read them when I get them. It’s just hard not to if you know it’s there. So, where I’ve focused my self-talk for this is around: What happens if I answer this in an hour? Or three? Does it really require a response? How will I feel if I respond (when I know I don’t really have to) and then it turns into a whole text-chat that eats up 15 minutes? Sitting in these questions helps me evaluate my course forward. And, most often I leave the text response for later. Yup, even if it is my spouse or my kids.
#5 | Release, Release, Release
Oooof. This work isn’t easy! So you gotta release, release, release. Let go of any guilt or shame you might have when you start actively disengaging.
By taking this space for yourself you will enhance your professionalism and the quality of your personal relationships because you are doing it on your terms and in your time. It means you are able to show up more authentically for those moments; instead of feeling harried because you’re multi-tasking.
And at the end of the day, that makes it all worth it.
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