Changing The Way We Talk About Sex: It Needs To Be A Conversation

***content warning: rape culture***

Invisibility was a super power I often dreamed about having as a kid. Being able to move around the world and not be seen or heard.

Much to my surprise, as I grew up, I found out a lot of us are in fact treated as if we are invisible. Unseen. Unheard. Non-participants.

And most of those moments, the ones where I’ve felt like my voice wasn’t heard and my boundaries weren’t seen, was with men.

When I was in their homes, in their arms, or in their cars and a feeling of being unsafe arose.

When he pushed his hand back down my pants after I’ve said no.

When he took my hand and put it down his pants, after I’ve taken it back again and again and again.

When he made his presence known even after I’d told him I’m not there for that.

“”No” doesn’t mean “convince me”.” -Anonymous

It’s when I explained what consent is and he said, “You just really turn me on. I can’t control those feelings” and I said “It doesn’t matter, you can control what you do with those feelings” and he still doesn’t get it.

When his pleasure is more important than my feeling safe, seen, heard and respected. Valued.

This goes beyond long-term relationships.

Even when it’s “just sex.” If it’s centered around the pleasure and desires of only one person. Then it isn’t sex. It’s masturbation. And he can do that very well on his own.

“Sexual violence often doesn’t look like what we think of as “violence” — only rarely is there a gun or knife; often there isn’t even “aggression” as we typically think of it. There is coercion and the removal of the targeted person’s choice about what will happen next.”
― Emily Nagoski, Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life

I often feel ashamed for the times I didn’t speak up. For the times I kept going, so it would just be over with. Because staying there and having sex felt safer than getting up and figuring out how to get back to my own bed.

Ashamed, not so much for myself -because I know there will be no lack of opportunity to teach a man about women’s boundaries and pleasure- but for other women.

For the next girl he insists on fucking after she’s said she doesn’t really want to. For the next woman he says, “I promise I won’t touch you” to and then proceeds to continually push his hands around her body.

I’m sorry I didn’t speak up for you.

“I am done living in a world where women are lied to about their bodies; where women are objects of sexual desire but not subjects of sexual pleasure; where sex is used as a weapon against women; and where women believe their bodies are broken, simply because those bodies are not male. And I am done living in a world where women are trained from birth to treat their bodies as the enemy.”
― Emily Nagoski, Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life

And these are only some of the reasons why sex will never be the same for me. Why I will never again get in bed with someone, without first having an in-depth conversation.

It doesn’t matter if it’s for one night, month, or year. It will always start with a conversation. An unraveling and a peeling back of layers. An openness on both ends to discuss the inner workings of consent, pleasure, boundaries, respect, and (frankly) basic human decency.

Here are some questions I plan to engage in with future partners:

1. Will you ask my permission before touching me? (Definition of consent: “permission for something to happen or agreement to do something”).
2. Will you be as concerned with my pleasure as your own?
3. Are you willing to put your ego aside and actually listen and look and touch in new ways you weren’t aware of? Pleasing me for my own sake vs. to stroke your ego?
4. Will you respect me (listen and then act accordingly) when I tell you to stop even though we’re in the middle of it? When I say I don’t like something?
5. Do you realize consent is revocable? At any time? Position? Moment?
6. Do you realize it’s actually NOT all about YOU? That this is a partnership?

As someone who has experienced unwanted sexual advances, street harassment, and lived as female, in a society where rape culture is so rampant we have internalized it ourselves, I am choosing to be here for this conversation.

I invite other women to share different questions they wish their partners would ask them, as well as questions they plan to ask them (please only do so if it feels safe and right for you).

I invite men to listen, read, reflect, and then start showing up differently in their lives. Read books written by women about women. Having grown up in a culture centered around hyper-masculinity and sex as a male-led and dominant act, is not your fault. However, it is your responsibility to learn about the different ways in which your actions/inactions have affected women and then start having different conversations with your male friends (calling them out on what you know is wrong) and sexual partners. Yes it will be uncomfortable. Yes you will mess up along the way. And, yes, this work is absolutely necessary.

I believe all parties need to be involved in order to actually create real change.

Please Note:

1. Having not experienced severe sexual trauma, I am willing to dive into these conversations with others (others being both other people who have experienced similar things and men who have been on the other end of the spectrum). However, do not expect other women/people to go into these conversations with you. They’ve likely experienced trauma you aren’t aware of and by going in these conversations without having trust, safety, and consent (there’s that magical word again!) built in first, you are pouring salt on an open wound. Google is your friend. Plenty of women have written and spoken about these issues before. Read and do your research before asking someone whom you have a pre-established and trust-based relationship with to have these conversations with you.
2. This articles focuses specifically on heterosexual relationships (between two cisgender partners) solely based on the fact that I am speaking from personal experiences . If you have any resources you want to share relating specifically to your experiences encompassing folx of different genders, skin colors, age, class, neuro-types, and body abilities differently, I would gladly do so. I am here for intersectional (a term introduced by Kimberlé Crenshaw) feminism and, as such, acknowledge we all experience this differently and to varying degrees.
3. I welcome *thoughtful* and *respectful* conversations in the comments. The moment I see anything remotely rude, disruptive, abusive, or “playing the devils advocate”, it will be removed in order to keep this space safe. If you have something you want to ask but aren’t sure how it may be perceived or what the impact may be: 1. Ask google first. 2. You can contact me personally.
4. This is not an evidence-based toolkit, but rather a written collection of different experiences bound together with the purpose of shedding light on a topic that seems to gain traction only when it is comfortable to do so.

Resources:

1. You can access the National Sexual Assault Hotline here.
2. You can read “How to Make The First Move Without Forgetting Consent” here.
3. You can read “Dear Men: So You Say You Want to Be An Ally” here.
4. You can watch “We Are Man Enough” Episode #4 no the #MeToo movement here.
5. You can read “Sexual Assault and the LGBTQ Community” here.
6. You can read and listen to “In Their Own Words: People With Intellectual Disabilities Talk About Rape“ here.
7. You can read “Rape Culture: The Native American Crisis Being Neglected in the #MeToo Movement” here.
8. You can read “Rape Culture is Every Black Woman’s Nightmare” here.
9. Read “Sexual Violence in the Lives of African American Women: Risk, Resilience, and Response” here.
10. You can read “Sexual Abuse of Older Adults” here.
11. You can read “Statistics on Violence Against API women” here.