Coming Out of The Closet for Good
Embracing vulnerability and embodying authenticity.
Holy crap! Whew! Did I just write that?! Guess there is no going back now. Well, to be honest, I could just hit the backspace or delete button and nobody would be the wiser. Well, if you’ve read my bio you will have noticed the very first five words announces my coming out to the world via social media. I am not going to lie. My hands are clammy and I am feeling quite terrified but I am ready to embody all that makes me, me. Not that I haven’t come out before but there is a difference now. Each day there is some version of myself coming out again and again and another part of me going back into a closet of some sort. However, this right here is the most naked and transparent I have ever been. You would think that since I just came out of the closet that I would have some fabulous clothes on but actually I feel very fearful, vulnerable, full of anxiety and naked to the core.
Wish I looked as good as this photo but it gets my point across. Plus, the glitter looks amazing! Who am I kidding. I am actually thinking that must be a nightmare to clean. Plus, my wife would kill me if I did that. I tried dying my hair blue once and our shower looked like I slaughtered the entire Smurf village! It is one of those “Remember when you thought it was a good idea to” conversations brought up during a pivotal moment in a conversation that would point out my inner genius. I digress.
Why am I writing this post? I am finally in a place where I want to live from a place of love and not fear. Well, that is not entirely true. I have been in this place of love for quite some time. However, the cuddly blanket of fear was keeping me warm and safe and I merely rented the space of love. Similar to a time share. A place I would frequent to ‘get away’ but not entirely inhabit.
This blog is not just about gay pride but more about how people may evolve and this ebb and flow of safety, trust, authenticity come and go. What is it like to embody authenticity all the time? While I have experienced this at brief moments throughout my life, I can honestly say that it felt good. Yet, I also experienced more of the not-so-good feeling of being myself. Lack of self confidence, self-loathing, family disownment, bullying, and absolute numbness swirled together to make a total hot mess. Whenever I encounter confrontation, my ‘go-to’ “flight or fight” option is ALWAYS flight. I am a lover not a fighter. I absolutely hate confrontation.
I ask you the reader of this blog: when have you ever hidden aspects of yourself from others? Either your family, co-workers, friends or yourself? When have you stopped pursuing what brings you joy due to people telling you things like, “You should marry so-and-so. You’re not getting any younger you know.” “People will start to talk if you don’t get married soon.” “When are you going to have children?” “Babies make everything all right.” “Why are you pursuing that as a career? “You will never make any money” “Why are you dating so-and-so?” “You deserve better.” This one is my all time favorite, “Just be happy that you have a job.”
When, have you, the reader ever left pieces of yourself hidden away in a closet or let pieces of yourself drift away into the wind as a mere memory, in order to conform to what society deems as normal or acceptable?
Maybe, you never felt comfortable in your skin. Possibly you have always felt that deep inside you are another gender than that of which you represent in society today. Maybe you have hidden your sexual orientation. Whether it is gender identity, sexual orientation, religious beliefs, political beliefs, etc., I ask you now, in this moment, “What is it that makes you, you?” Take some time to let this question sink in. “What or who is it that you embody? What is holding you back?”
I have been doing much reflection and contemplation on what or who is it that I embody. What I have discovered, no wait, that is a complete lie. I did not just discover this. I have known this all along but have only now chosen to live from a place of love. An unconditional love that has been there all along and throughout my life have shown up in pieces here and there.
This unconditional love is what I am embodying. Don’t get me wrong, I still get angry, upset, unsure, scared, full of anxiety, unconfident and I experience all that life has to offer. I am human after all. However, now, I process it completely differently. I have liked myself for quite some time. Yet, it has taken this long for me to actually love all of myself.
I offer you, the reader these final words. If any of this resonates with you, and you would like to know how I got to where I am today, feel free to follow my blog posts, check out my video posts on the JRNI app and if you would like to work together, let me know. I’ll be here when you’re ready. In this moment, let’s meet on the dance floor of life.
Want to connect with Coach Nyingje Aruta? Click here to go deeper.
