Healing After Loss: Grief can be our Teacher
May we be real. May we be honest. May we be human.
Many of us are aware of the stages of grief such as denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Everyone’s stages of grief will be different based on the circumstances that led to the death of our loved one, the relationship with the deceased, and their own mental wellbeing prior to experiencing the loss.
What I can tell you is there is no timeframe that heals all wounds or to say that the wounds will ever fully heal. There will be times where an individual will be able to process and work through grief and there will be other times where they cannot, and it’s important to know what you can do to be okay or help loved ones be okay when they are in this state.
“It has been said, ‘time heals all wounds.’ I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.” — Rose Fitzgerald Kennedy
A little over a year and a half has passed since my sister’s death. I remember that for 10 months following Katie’s death I couldn’t maintain a stable voice or control the tears from sweeping across my face when someone new would ask me about how many siblings I had or where they lived.
Now, I may not cry now every time someone asks me about my siblings, but it is also not to say that she isn’t always in my thoughts. I don’t believe I’m a morbid person and wouldn’t say I live in a state of darkness and depression, but I also know I cannot avoid the hole that’s in my heart. I can never fill the void, but I can hopefully make my “heart” grow in different ways by how I choose to live my life and how I give and receive love from others.
I recently came to the city where my sister lived the majority of her adult life. Although I’ve been back multiple times since her death it surprised me how much the city alone caused me to feel overwhelmed and triggered by certain locations. I remembered all the places she lived that I visited and then some I didn’t visit nearly as much; addiction having created distance and time between us. I noticed my heart racing, my chest and jaw tightening, and my head swirling with thoughts of all the “what ifs”.
Just when I thought I’d finally put myself back together enough I was pulled back down by the overwhelm of grief. That’s the thing about grief: we tend to believe there’s a one-time-fix-all-solution or that time will heal us completely.
Although time and working through our grief will allow us to get back to places of normalcy…grief can return. This is not to cast darkness on an already dark situation and to say people who have been through loss will never heal, but healing after death is a different kind of healing.
I know for myself I need to maintain self-care through exercising, eating well, socializing, and journaling. When I stop doing one of these things there can be a quick decline in my overall state of well-being.
Another thing I find important is to be aware of the triggers associated with the deceased loved one, why they are coming up, how to work through them, and how to be mindful of certain situations, locations, and memories that could lead to a place of regression.
I’ll admit even after arriving at a spiritual place of acceptance, I still have my moments. When we focus solely on having an answer as to why the loved one passed away it can leave us feeling angry, resentful, and overflowing with pain. There is no logic that will make sense of death, especially if it’s anything outside of natural aging and the circle of life.
What we can do with a “why” is ask how and what we can do to embody a deeper purpose in our own lives and to honor our family and friends that have gone before us by living intentionally and helping bring light and meaning to others.
Closing thoughts
Wherever you are may you find peace, connection, and love within your day or bring that peace, connection, and love to others…we all need it.
-RY
As always…please feel free to like, share, comment, or reach out.
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