How do We Show up for Someone Who is Grieving?
Be a Lifeboat. Here’s how.
My own experiences with grief all have one thing in common: when a profound loss occurs, it’s like being tossed off a ship in the middle of a storm.
Enormous waves coming up all around me. Wind howling. I can barely bob up to fill my lungs with air before another wave comes crashing down. Chaos and disorientation. Breathless, gasping, paddling to keep my head above water.
When we’re in the grip of grief, it’s difficult to see land, let alone find our way back to safe harbor. Who will find us in this dark place? How will we survive the pounding waves?
What we need in these moments is a lifeboat. More than one in fact. Because when those waves are tossing us around, our position within the sea of grief is ever-changing.
It can be hard, awkward even, to know what to do when someone we care for is grieving.
So, how can you be a lifeboat?
1. Call or text regularly, after the initial round of sympathy cards have stopped coming.
2. Deliver a meal. The simple routines of daily life can sometimes be the hardest to attend to.
3. Share memories of the one who has been lost — whether it be the loss of a partner, family member, friend, or pet. Write down your stories to tell them when the time is right. Politely not mentioning who or what has been lost to spare someone further pain is what so many of us do, but the truth is, avoidance is rarely comforting. Sharing stories is healing.
4. Offer to run errands: a grocery run, cleaning the house, doing the laundry.
5. Take their kids out for the afternoon.
6. Honor boundaries. If someone indicates clearly that they want to be alone, or don’t want to talk about it, respect those wishes. But don’t necessarily take silence as proof that contact is unwelcome. You may not hear back when you call, text, or email. That’s OK. It doesn’t mean your message isn’t being received, and appreciated.
Above all, hold them in your heart.
Our lives are busy. We naturally get caught up in our own struggles, to-dos, and commitments. Meanwhile, the one who grieves is still out there in the storm.
What if a few small actions on your part could make a difference?
Write a note in your calendar to check in. Put in a recurring appointment at regular intervals over the next several months if that’s what it takes (and it often does). Just find a way to remind yourself to keep reaching out.
We all need to be part of the lifeboat brigade. Inevitably, there will come a day when we require this same assistance ourselves.
Sometimes the people in our lives just don’t know how to help. Sometimes, we don’t know how to help them either. It’s not for lack of caring. Showing up — that’s what good coaching is all about. A skilled coach can hold space for you in your grief, uncertainty, or when you’re stuck and not sure how to move forward. If you are struggling and want a partner to help you map your course back to shore, reach out.
Ready to start your JRNI?
Get unstuck, find your people, and learn more about how positive psychology can better your life by joining our life coaching program: the Catalyst Coaching Intensive. Want to hire a coach to help you work through your own grief? Book a session with Chris here.
