How Focusing on My “Type” Almost Lead Me Away From Love
A modern day romance on love and personal-growth.
I’m hopping into the way-back-machine and thinking back to nearly fourteen years ago. Back to my lengthy marriage to someone who was definitely my type, but did not have the capacity to love me. That relationship ended and I decided to give online dating a chance.
True to my style, I felt researching how to put your best foot forward on dating sites was the route I would take and eventually found myself on a web bulletin board exclusively about online dating. This was not a site to meet people, but rather where members could post questions and have peers look at their profiles to critique and point out details that should be adjusted.
When I logged in I saw there was a chat going and I decided to follow the link. Once I was there I saw a username — eric1203 who I correctly assumed was a man, and definitely cynically rolled my eyes. These boards were typically filled with women, I was sure this guy was trolling, trying to meet some single women who were feeling confused and maybe a little desperate to meet Mr. Right. There were about five other women along with eric1203 there that night, the chat was pretty lively. Being new, I introduced myself and briefly told my story. I had checked out a few dating sites, but felt unsure. I had dated a man for a couple months, however, since my favorite thing about him was that he wasn’t my ex-husband, I had just recently broken it off.
Eric1203 requested that all us ladies look at his profile and alert him if there were any glaring problems with it, or anything offensive or that may put someone off. He’d been dating for a while, with very little success and was becoming disappointed and frustrated, wondering what he was doing wrong. I clicked the link and viewed a perfectly acceptable profile of a man who seemed like the whole package — traditionally attractive, active, stable career — he ticked off all the boxes. I saw nothing that could possibly offend and even though he was really handsome, I noticed he was just not my type.
I’ll admit, this guy was too good looking and in too good of shape to be my type. I will add that he was also halfway across the country, so I wasn’t looking at him as a potential date. Even if he’d been in my area, I probably would’ve passed on him. Crazy? Yes!
I was searching for that nerdy or artsy guy I’d always been attracted to, eric1203 was neither. In the chat there was the ability to send private messages (these were practically the olden days folks), he and I chatted a bit about our dating experiences and joked about staying friendly and talking to one another about our bad dates in the future. He asked me what other bulletin boards I was active on and I listed them. When the chat was over, I assumed it was not likely our paths would cross again.
The next day one of the admins of a board I frequented sent me a message that someone named eric1203 was asking about me and gave her his email address in case I wanted to contact him. I laughed it off, he lived so far and was not the type of guy I’d ever dated or been with, he was just not on my radar at all. He seemed like such a nice guy though, so I sent him an email to see what he wanted to talk about. The emails began as somewhat superficial and brief yet eventually evolved into instant messages; not long after, he asked if he could call me. I immediately responded with a “No!” because I just couldn’t imagine what would come out of this, but the following day I thought better of it and IMed him my number.
I had young children so my only free time was after I put them to bed. Our talks at night ended up carrying us into the wee hours of the morning day after day after day. I promptly realized that this guy, while not my “type” was exactly the kind of person I wanted to be with. He was smart, kind, thoughtful, active, successful, came from a wonderful family, he truly was the entire package, even more than I’d gathered from my brief look at his dating profile. After we started talking regularly I was absolutely hooked, I told him we needed to meet or we needed to stop talking because having such a crush on a stranger from a far away land (Texas!) was just too weird, even for me. It felt like forever, but a month later he finally came to town to meet face to face. The chemistry was overwhelming. It was startlingly apparent: he was my person.
Now, when I talk of “type” I don’t mean that I didn’t find him attractive, in fact, it’s quite the contrary. He was just so very different than the usual men I’d been attracted to in my past. When I think deeper into this, I wonder if a lot of that also has to do with my own insecurities that I’d struggled with in the past. I freely admit I’m the weird girl. I embrace those qualities in myself now, but I still sometimes startle when I catch my husband looking at me in such a way that I can feel his adoration all the way to my soul. He is so fit and athletic, while I am still that odd, offbeat girl. I’m in much better shape now, but that’s mostly so that I can keep up with him! I often joke that the two of us fell out of some silly romantic 80s movie where the captain of the football team falls for the goth girl who is always holed up in the art room and then, to the astonishment of everyone around them, it actually works!
We dated long distance for nearly a year when I sold my little townhouse in Chicagoland, bought a home on two acres out in the country and moved my (then) small children so I could be closer to him. I’ve lived in Texas now for almost thirteen years, next June we will celebrate ten years of marriage and while I know first hand marriage can be challenging and a lot of work, I have to say for us, it’s typically very easy. We both intuitively bring out the best in one another and continually strive to always be the shelter for each other when life gets stormy, and oh yes, over the years we’ve certainly seen our fair share of storms. I’ve never known a kinder soul or anyone more encouraging than Eric is. Friends who know us have avowed that it’s very apparent how much we care about one another. Last spring, someone whom I’ve known a very long time who finally got to meet him. When Eric stepped away, she told me, “It’s glaringly obvious that he’s absolutely crazy about you.” and it’s so true. Who doesn’t want that?
There are times that I think about how easy it would’ve been to simply miss ever having meeting him. What if I hadn’t gone to that chat? Or, had we crossed paths, what if I chose not to click on the link to his profile, or email him after he reached out? But, most of all, I wonder all that I would’ve forfeited had I held tight to the notion that, although he was everything I was looking for in a life partner, he simply wasn’t my type. If I give myself too long to ponder that, it actually frightens me think it was possible I could’ve made choices that would’ve led to him not being in my life!
I tell this story, not just because it’s one of my most favorites to tell, but because it exposes how often we assume we should be with one person or another based on who we’ve been with in our past. Those relationships have expired, so shouldn’t our assumptions of who is “right” expire along side them?
I’m not suggesting anyone date someone they’re not attracted to, although I do believe attraction grows as you get to know someone, but I am instead encouraging anyone looking for love to keep their chin up and mind open.
Yes, you might be that weirdo from the high school art room and I believe there might be an MVP in your future as well!
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