I Forgive Other People Because I’m the Jerk
Forgiveness is the gift of freedom, born out of love and compassion, wrapped in strength, and presented with humility — and it’s all for you.
Sometimes when I tell people that I have a regular forgiveness practice, they’ll give me a heavy dose of side eye and a look that says, “Judgy McJudgerson’s such a jerk, you’re so pissed off that you’ve gotta forgive people on the regular.” Well, yeah. Aren’t we all judgmental jerks though?
Maybe there’s someone in your life that irritates you, who’s frustrated you to the point where you’re angry. It could be a situation that didn’t turn out the way you wanted it to and you’re resentful. Perhaps someone hurt you badly in the past and you carry the hurt around, believing others will hurt you too. That person could even be yourself, the one who makes you feel ashamed for all the things that you aren’t, the things you haven’t done, and the opportunities you’ve missed.
That’s not being a jerk, that’s being human with our conditioned personality. A product of both nature and nurture, our conditioned personality takes things personally. It reacts instead of responds, is judgmental, attached to outcomes, and needs to be right. It holds onto the pain of its story and keeps us a victim to our past and the person that hurt us, so we continue to hurt.
To forgive doesn’t mean that the pain isn’t true or that feelings should be swept under the rug. Feeling our feelings is necessary, what happened is real and our feelings are valid. We are important and our feelings deserve to be brought up and addressed. Forgiveness doesn’t condone what happened and it doesn’t mean that we have to accept how that person treats us. Boundaries are a beautiful thing. The pain and our story about our pain, however, we can let that go.
Forgiveness helps us accept people and how they show up, even if we don’t like it or agree with it; after all, don’t we want to be accepted in the same way? Forgiveness helps us understand that people act the way they do because of who they are and not because of who we are, so that we can take our power back and not be a victim. When we drop the judgements about people that keep us stuck in a cycle of drama with them, it frees up our energy to stay in our own lane and move forward. Dropping our judgements can completely change a situation because we are free from emotions that don’t serve us properly: anger; resentment; shame; guilt; victimhood; and fear. Without those emotions, the situation no longer has the same charge on us.
It’s not a one-time gig. It’s a consistent practice because sometimes those feelings will come up again. That’s OK that they do, we’re human. To forgive is Divine because it returns us to a place of our higher ideal of unconditional love.
Having a regular forgiveness practice keeps me in flow and not get burdened with hard feelings when people hurt me or cut me off in traffic or generally piss me off. Some days its’ easy, some days its’ hard, and when it is I forgive myself and try again another day. Part of my forgiveness practice is practicing self-awareness, compassion, and lovingkindness in the moment. I meditate on forgiveness regularly, journal, and do ho’oponopono and other exercises to release and let go. What I’ve found is that forgiveness is about understanding myself and breaking down the barriers that keep me separate from others.
The work is hard but it’s worth it. It has given me the ability to see others more clearly as complicated people with a story and not through the lens of my pain that reduces them to one-dimensional characters who hurt me. It’s taken a lot of work to accept that hurt people hurt people and sometimes they don’t know any better or, if they do, that this is the best they can do.
Forgiveness is letting people be free to be who they are and do what they do without the burden of your expectations. People won’t be who you think they should be or they won’t do what you think they should do. That’s OK. Forgiveness is the gift of freedom, born out of love and compassion, wrapped in strength, and presented with humility — and it’s all for you.
Learn to forgive and let go with Catalyst Charlene. Connect here.